Sledgehammer

Still finding writing to be terribly difficult and still having grandiose "visions" about communicating with God and sending messages to everyone. I'm confused because this feels so real -- and what if it is actually happening? I feel alone and want to hibernate, and I'm actually glad the meds hit me like a sledgehammer because it keeps me from "roaming" around Columbus (and elsewhere) looking for "signs" that people are acting to clean up their sins.

The ideas of "redemption" and "atonement" are very important to me right now. I feel like this city is full of vice and greed and and sin and I am trapped here. Sometimes I feel like I am the only one who notices this -- other times I believe there is an "army" here of people who received the battle cry and are diligently working to clean this filthy place up.

On a personal note, I have packed on a significant amount of weight due to the pills and a raging appetite that appeared out of nowhere. I feel like a cow and ugly and unlovable. I go through these depressive states which don't last long -- thank God -- and when they hit I want to either sleep or eat. My lower back pain is back and walking is difficult. I know this is going to upset my husband, who likes to be active. I am seeing Optifast in my future, perhaps. I'm just going to mull it over..

So this is where I am today. Uncomfortable. Vestiges of psychosis. But carrying Winston with me: "Never give up! Never give up! Never give up!"