Dr. Z has me on three anti-psychotics with mood stabilizing properties and then two additional mood stabilizers. This is one hell of a cocktail to be taking. I'd argue I'm on enough medication to knock a horse out. Yet here I am, up and functioning somewhat.
Husband woke up enraged about numerous things and yelled at me while I sat quietly in my recliner sipping coffee and chewing numerous pieces of nicotene gum. I didn't say anything really. I am so used to these yelling sessions first thing in the morning. He pretty much cut me apart and I feel useless and like a failure. He is entirely correct that this house is a mess. But it gets this way due to lack of cleaning follow-through from me and him.
My mother is suggesting that he take a trip alone this summer to Vermont to see his parents. This would be only the second time we have been separated for a week or more. Part of me wants to encourage him to go. But the other part wants him here with me. I am going to talk to him about it and see what his reaction is.
***
Husband and I just spoke on the phone and he is going to stay with me. He apologized for his outburst. This, dear readers, is what happens when your spouse/partner/child has bipolar disorder. Things are very difficult before and during the episode, and in the rehabilitation period. The caretaker can snap so easily. And I feel terrible guilt that I cause this -- or at least contribute heavily to it. I'm working on this in therapy i.e. how to dismantle guilt and shame. I also talk about sin and my desire to be forgiven. I'd like that very much.
So here I am at 11:15 a.m., still in bathrobe, trying to get some strength to clean up all the dog urine in the kitchen. I'm exhausted even though I slept for 10 hours. I hate depression. I think some tweaking of the meds is required. I'll call Dr. Z and get his opinion.
No comments:
Post a Comment