My heart is almost breaking...I am so lonely and feel dirty. I cannot stop shoving food into my body. I don't care what it looks or tastes like. I am falling into depression and I have not been in this place for such a long, long time. Depressive episodes are ten times worse for me than mania, as I find I become so debilitated I cannot get out of bed; bathe; brush my teeth; cook; clean, etc.
I thought we had the right medicine cocktail to keep my clinical depression at bay. I haven't had a whiff of it in years. But I guess my husband clarifying for me that I am indeed just suffering from one big delusion just shattered everything for me. I have been running around this town for weeks and weeks in what apparently is just one big psychotic delusion. I am ashamed and feel victimized (by who, I don't know) and I just know the PTSD is going to arrive in due course.
It's the 4th of July today and I did not celebrate at all. I just feel pain and suffering. I thought we were going to be free; I thought we were destined for great things after years and years of suffering and longing. What a fool I have been! What tricks my mind has played on me, episode after episode, getting worse every time. Misery. Get out.
No comments:
Post a Comment