Action Steps

I am finding I need to write to get my feelings out. I am in great emotional turmoil dear friends, and the pain is incredibly difficult to bear. I feel as if the weight of the world is on my shoulders and while yes, I can shoulder the load, there are just so many people crying and hurting like me -- so the task is almost too much for me.

I up and left my office yesterday. I just cannot continue to work in that environment. It feels cold and unloving; like everyone is wearing a "mask" and I know when Andrea returns it will be impossible for me to be there. So after breaking down in the ladies room and getting composure, I got my Basset Hound coffee mug and Basset Hound mouse pad Glenna bought me years ago and just left. Didn't really say anything formal -- just walked out.

I guess I feel it's better for me to leave on my time schedule versus awaiting someone else's decision. I'd like to think I have some semblance of "control" over the situation. I've always been a team player -- and I support the team approach for problem solving -- and if I sit down and really think hard about this, I am the only one in the office who truly stands behind this credo. I am different than the others. It's always been that way. And my self esteem is continually shredded and it's time to stop this ASAP.

Husband is of course focusing on the financial cost of me being unemployed and the great difficulty I will have finding another job. My response is to let me sit here for a bit; perhaps try to get some severance or unemployment from my boss; and then go about the frustrating search for a new job. I'm tired, dear readers. Just bone tired. I need to rest.

Another thing I want to do is laugh. I really miss the laughter. I had a brief taste of it yesterday and it felt good; but most of the time I am confused, frustrated, and sad. Really worried about beloved Basset Nell. She'll be 15 in August and she's still moving but I know she's in pain. Will I know when it's time to send her off to be with Lou on the other side of the Rainbow Bridge? Will there be signs? How will I handle it emotionally? Questions. No clear answers.

Why doesn't anyone in this town want to work with me? I've had to leave jobs, been fired -- what is going on? I never had this problem in Washington. My hometown wants nothing to do with me. I'm shedding tears over this because I have so much to offer, so much to give and no one wants it. What do I need to change?

It feels -- right now -- that for most of my life I've been in deep emotional pain. I don't know why -- could it be tied to my compassionate nature? Is God subjecting me to a test? Am I just some oddball, some nutcase, unfit for society? Why don't I fit in with everyone else? I'm so very sad. Perhaps I can visit my Mother today. I would like that.