I Can See Clearly

Here comes the sun?

As with all my past manias, the day comes when I experience what I call "the click." I simply wake up and feel/know the episode is over and I am back to "reality." The pattern of the manias for the most part is every three years they grow in February, March and April; emerge in May; flame in May, June and July; and then burn out in early August. Regardless of any medication I take during this period, this pattern has held.

Today is July 28 and I am sensing "the click" is coming. I realized this weekend that I do want to go back to my office -- it isn't such a bad place after all. With this acknowledgement comes much needed relief and less anxiety. Now, I do still believe I'm on the proverbial "mission from God" which can be a clear sign that manic grandiosity is still in place. This has not changed. And when I am out and about I do still believe that people are trying to communicate with me telepathically and with certain gestures. Will this always be something I believe?

I know certain people with schizophrenia are able to successfully work even though the voices they hear are present. They have just learned to adapt to them. John Nash is a good example. Might I be able to function somewhat normally even though I have grandiose thoughts? Frankly, with a self esteem so low, I'm surprised at myself for even considering I might be someone uniquely special, worthy of praise.

The important thing today is I can get my arms around this episode; I can "see" and feel my surroundings; my bearings are taking root. Stabilization is right around the corner. I am cautiously optimistic that I will not have a flare up of PTSD this time. Quite frankly, I feel safe and comfortable today. Actually, I feel like I've been spinning my wheels for 12 years but that's over now -- my wheels have hit the pavement and I'm moving forward. It's a wonderful thing to feel.

Of course I've got some obstacles ahead, some things that must be addressed sooner rather than later. One thing I am very upset about is my weight and raging appetite. I know it's tied to the medicine -- specifically Seroquel -- and I want desperately to be off it. But I must wait. This is very, very hard for me. I don't do patience well at all.

So forward I go, step by step, day by day. Hope is on the horizon.