Spinnin' Wheels

I really knocked myself out yesterday with that extra Haldol and Seroquel. I'm not going to do that again. I have now decided I am not going to converse with Michael or anyone else about my delusions. It does no good. He's right -- when the mania passes (should be by the end of this month), the "click" will happen and I will come to my senses and see this was all just a big ball of nonsense.

My fear is I will again be traumatized and afraid to do anything, thus continuing to live in this state of agoraphobia and terribly low self esteem. The cleaning will go out the window and I will be surrounded in filth and chaos. Of course this is nothing new. This is how I live now. I wish you could see our garden (if you can even call it that). It is covered almost entirely with weeds; there are no flowers in pots; dead ivy is choking everything in the beds; and the only thing blooming is my Jacob's Ladder Bee Balm. It is purple/magenta in color.

Conversations with my husband about money remain tense. He just does not want to spend anything on home maintenance. I'm so tired of fighting with him about it. Because of my illness he controls all of the money so I am trapped. I'm just so sad and miserable, dear readers. I'm not enjoying summer at all, I don't feel like I am rehabilitating. I'm just waiting in terror for the PTSD that will come in the fall.

I had wanted Michael to be brought "into the loop" so we could work on this together. But he hasn't and subsequently, as a sane, rational person, he has called my experiences delusional and I must agree with him. He does not have bipolar disorder or any other mental illness. So he knows the truth that exists. He has made it perfectly clear that no one has approached him to discuss what I thought was reality.

He tells me I am in psychosis -- nothing more, nothing less. I can see why he would say this, so I am going to take it as fact. No more reading license plates (if I can help it), no more trying to communicate with people, maybe no more radio? Just cut every type of communication off and cram down all my feelings? Maybe I wear the color brown -- which for me right now symbolizes sin and someone who should be punished. Yes, that's what I may do.

So the next few weeks will be very difficult as I try to radically change my current thought process. The Queen Bee/Christ scenario felt/feels  so real...but if someone who is closest to me and sane is telling me this is delusional thinking and it will hurt me if I perpetuate the thought process, I'm going to stop it. Please say a prayer for me. I am so terribly upset.