My mood changed considerably yesterday. In Peter's office were many of my kin -- descendants from Henry VIII (I think) or perhaps St. David I from Scotland or Charlemagne. My family tree is full of royalty on my mother's side and father's side. I was able to speak with them through my head and I told them I was scared. They calmed me and it felt so good.
Of particular note was one gentleman who reinforced that I shouldn't be afraid about not having money. Michael scares me about that and uses it as an excuse to get me back at AGC (where I don't want to go). He does not understand how uncomfortable I am there now. How mean Andrea is, how tense things are. I'm willing to take any mediocre job to get away. I am not treated well at AGC and I'm tired of it. This is an excellent opportunity to break free if I want to.
I wish I had more opportunities to "talk" with people through my head. My thoughts are jumbled, however, and racing. It's very, very hard to slow down. I am going to try and practice more. Maybe take a seat at Starbucks and see if I can "talk" to someone there. I feel weird being alone but I guess I need to get used to it.
It doesn't appear that anyone is going to come up to me directly and tell me how the future is going to play out for me -- particularly the next 5 years. I want a plan in place. Something solid. I want someone to put me in a safe job within Club Fed. Or if I'm not to have a "traditional" job, a plan of what I am to do from this point forward. Write? About what? Current affairs? My views/concerns about the future? Lessons learned? Feminist theory? Do I publish a daily blog post? Am I put on an allowance to do so? When is Michael brought in to the scenario?
I get agitated because no one tells me the answers to these questions i.e. speaks vocally/directly to me and my husband about it. He doesn't believe I can "see" everything; my special bloodlines; my struggles with "hearing"; my wisdom; my ability to find "rats." If I can just get him on board he can ease up on the money/work pressure and let me take some time to find a proper job/use of my time.
Writing is my natural gift. I don't have to think hard about it -- it just flows. To be paid to write is a good thing. Write something I want to write about, not what I'm told to do. Now, where to find a job where I can do this...not sure. Who reads it? Everyone? I have no idea. These things need to be sorted out. Michael is pressuring me to go back to work and make money. To a structured situation where you clock in and clock out. That's all he sees -- money. He doesn't give one hoot if I am unhappy or uncomfortable. It's all about money and it completely stresses me out.
I think if Michael knew there was a little bit of money in the coffer he would relax. He'd get off my back so I can make a break with AGC and get a new job. I believe if he knew I am through my initial training, he would back off. But it's the money that's the kicker. If he was guaranteed an additional 1,300/month (give or take) he'd pipe down and get off my back.
And while we're on this topic -- why is he pushing me to get back to work at the end of this month? For Chrissake, I'm not ready! Folks, it's all about money. Can you see how dangerous this man can be? How unsettling he can be? This is why I so desperately want someone to sit down with him and yank him into reality. He's in the dark and that gets me so upset. Doesn't anyone care about my well-being? Help me!
I am begging -- yes begging -- for someone to enlighten him; give me some guidance; help me to relax so I can recover more easily. I want so much to be happy and free. I need your assistance.
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