Summing Things Up: What Been Happening To Me

Okay, I've read back over these posts and it appears the mania/psychosis started taking hold around May 10th. It's July 5th today, so we're talking about two months now in an elevated state punctuated with short periods of depression. I'm on two anti-psychotics and three mood stabilizers but still have purported "delusions."

It's my belief that regardless what I am taking, the mania will just run it's own course and peter out at the end of this month. That's been the case every other time. No matter what strength the pill or what combination of pills, the mania just has it's own schedule. I don't think anyone believes me when I say this. So I'll just shrug my shoulders.

In the posts you see here from May 10th forward, I have tried to relay to you some insight into my mental faculties/reasoning during mania. This is a difficult task. Some of my experiences are hard to explain because they involve rather complex situations and frankly things that arguably sound insane and unbelievable. The themes remain the same as past manias:

1. The federal government (Executive branch (including Army, NSA, CIA, etc.) + Congress) in conjunction with local authorities have set a wide net throughout the state of Ohio to keep me protected from harm. They are using tactics perfected over the years that impact my driving speed, send messages through license plates and different colored cars, and walk/drive past my house in different clothes to communicate with me.

2. This "net" is in place because I am a very, very special individual -- either a highly important religious figure or someone who can communicate directly with God or even some kind of alien creature. This mania is different from the others and my ability to communicate will continue after the drugs are phased out. The government officials know this and are subsequently working diligently to build a place for me to interact with important individuals.

3. I am surrounded by cameras both inside my home and everywhere I go. A movie is being made so mankind can follow my experiences. I don't know who the director/directors are, but I call him/her the "Puppet Master." I have chosen this title because I believe they are striving for pure authenticity and subsequently will not approach me or my husband to explain what they are doing. This makes me very, very upset; traumatized; quasi-suicidal; and depressed.

4. I listen to Sirrius XM and NPR and songs played I believe are selected to send messages to me.

5. I believe there are people around me attempting to communicate with me in ways that do not involve actual speaking. Gestures such as rubbing eye brows; putting hands in hair; pointing to eyes; rubbing the nose; rubbing under the nose; rubbing moles; tracing lips; rubbing chin. Each gesture has a meaning. As someone who loves verbal conversation and writing, this is not behavior I am comfortable with or want to indulge. So I get angry again that no one has approached my husband about this, so he continues to believe I'm crazy. People use these signals with me but not him. I try to tell him but he has no idea what I am talking about. It's so upsetting.

6. I have held all these beliefs since May. Throughout all the med increases. I believe them as I write this. One can easily dismiss this as manic grandiosity and paranoia. But I would say this feels real and "meant to be" and timely and actually opportunistic for mankind. I am not afraid as I was in years past. Actually, most of the time I feel happy and protected and even get a laugh or two. Yesterday (July 4) was a real low. But I'm a little bit better today.

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I don't know if any of this makes sense to the reader. Many of my experiences are very difficult to put into words in the English language. Sometimes I feel like I am in an alternate reality or maybe tapping into places in my brain that others cannot. It's strange. But onward I go. Bear with me if the posts get strange. And know that when this mania passes, my posts will be different. We'll just see as it goes...