Oh, I’m in a terrible state, doubting myself and the art I’ve been doing. I’m thinking about canceling the art show, what an embarrassment that could be for me, what am I thinking that people might be interested in or would even understand my trash collages? I wish I had never, ever read that article about bipolar creativity. I shouldn’t even be working on this blog, what am I thinking it will amount to? My art doesn’t make sense, my blog doesn’t make sense, I don’t make sense. I’m just this screwed up, lost, weirdo, I have no purpose. The dinner I attempted to make last night was a complete and utter failure—some NYT coconut turmeric rice with greens, it tasted like crap, just awful, and this makes my sense of despair complete.
I didn’t sleep well either, Lily got me up at 5:30 a.m., I had thought she had adjusted to being downstairs alone, but no. So here I am, up at daybreak, feeling completely rotten. I’m so tempted to read that article again trashing bipolar creativity—but that would be like self-flagellation and I’m not sure I have the constitution for this right now. I just want to let out the loudest scream—against purported “experts” and against those people who hurt me on Wastebook. Simultaneously, I want to cry, I miss my beloved Basset Hound Legs, I wish he were still here, even though he was loud and annoyed everyone.
I talk with Dr. Levy tomorrow, and I will certainly tell him how grief and frustration is causing my mood to dip slightly. I don’t really think there is anything to be done with my medication right now. Dr. Levy won’t give me an antidepressant, even though I’d love to have one. No, I must learn to manage this depression on my own. I can see very, very clearly why alcoholics reach for a drink during times like this. It’s painful, it hurts to be feeling loss and doubt, it hurts to think you don’t make any sense, you’re a nobody, you have no talent and should just give up.
I’m wondering if my subtle dips between depression and irritability are normal? Does the average person go through this? To give context, I was completely drugged out for about 5 years (actually kinda longer) so I’m at a point where it’s hard for me to discern what’s normal and what’s not. I know the last time I had a “productive” art period I was completely off my rocker—am I crazy now? I think the answer to this question is No, but how am I to really know if I am crazy or not? Fetter tells me I am OK, but why do I let some random bipolar article upset me so much? Why am I so sensitive? Why don’t I have a tougher hide? Oh friends, I’m lost. And it sucks.
Michael did say he has a surprise for me today, he may be taking me out to a movie and perhaps dinner, I’m not sure. I guess that kinda makes me feel better, it would be nice to go out on a date. I need something, anything to perk me up a bit. Hopefully this self-doubting will pass, hopefully I will feel better as this morning progresses. The sun is out again today, I see blue skies out my window. Let’s get a grip, Melissa, let’s start feeling good about yourself. Maybe check out a church service on YouTube. There are possibilities, I just need to look for them. OK, this is it for today. Later friends. Have a good day.
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