Well hello there, I’m up during the night again, why, I do not know. Could be perhaps because I followed Dr. Levy’s instructions and took a quarter of the Simply Sleep med; could be that I had a nightmare (but cannot remember it); could be I shouldn’t have watched “South Park” with Michael last night; and could be I never should have read the Smith Alumnae Quarterly magazine that arrived yesterday…oh, any of these things could have contributed to my disrupted night’s sleep, so I’m trying something different—just took 1/2 a Simply Sleep pill and will wait for it to kick in and go back asleep (instead of staying awake here at 2:32 a.m.).
I’m absolutely furious at Facebook for allowing that triggering picture in my football group that someone posted at 3:00 a.m. one morning. It put me over the edge and made me so very sick and I’m still not recovered. I’m tempted to share that picture with you here, but don’t want to make anyone sick like I got. I’m tempted to join that Class Action lawsuit against Facebook, but know I don’t have the strength to get through that. I’m so upset at all those who trigger vulnerable people and get away with it. I want to be normal again, sleep through the night, feel calm, I want to feel whole again. I can’t stand these early morning wake-ups, I’m sick of them!
I probably shouldn’t be writing right now, I should wait for the Simply Sleep to kick in (which thankfully it is). I really want Dr. Levy to give me a sleep med, why won’t he?
***
OK, it’s 8:40 a.m. now, I successfully got back to sleep and feel much better. Michael was downstairs when I came down, and immediately told me I was unstable, had weird eyes, was making a mistake going on the staycation, was “recklessly spending” (a $16 hat?), just all these things that honestly, I understand his concerns but do I ever question his sleepless nights? Do I ever question his accumulation of very expensive basketball shoes? His bizarre hair, his strange expressions? I’m on a hospital dose of 4 mg. Risperdal/ 750 mg. Depakote, and I’ve been on it for 3 months. I saw Dr. Levy yesterday, he isn’t changing my medication, and no, he’s not giving me Trazedone for sleep or anything else for that matter.
While I understand my husband’s love and concern, I also know today is the Quarterly reporting for Apple, Amazon and Google, and he is stressed about that, and that drives how he reacts with me. Yes, I’m going to go to Fetter and ask him if he thinks I’m nuts, if he thinks my eyes look strange, if he thinks I make poor decisions, oh everything lined out in the “BP Hope” newsletter, which I have memorized by heart.
It’s funny, right when I am making steps towards independence, working with Arlene perhaps on these mental health initiatives, it is Michael who is questioning my fitness? I know he comes from a place of love, but maybe I ought to be allowed to spread my wings just a little bit? Can’t I just go for a hotel staycation less than 20 miles away and not be interrogated? Can’t I be trusted to make good, healthy decisions? Who knows me and my bipolar better than me?
Michael takes an ambien and many times one full Simply Sleep pill to sleep. Sometimes he takes two ambiens! I have a few bad nights and now I have to be frightened that I’m going nuts again? No, this is not right. I’m going straight to Fetter and see what he says. Am I crazy. Or am I being gaslit again. Who knows me best. Is making small purchases at Amazon and Target OK. Is Michael simply stressed about the stock market. Are eyes the window of the soul. You get the picture I’m trying to paint. Maybe in all my drives around Columbus I’m getting closer to the truth. Maybe I’m already at the heart of the matter. Who knows.
So with all this, I bid you adieu this morning. Keep questioning. I sure am.
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