Swingin’ Low

 Well good afternoon, dear reader(s), it’s sunny outside but I’m feeling kinda flat, probably because I’m taking too much Simply Sleep at night. Maybe it’s time to dial it back, as I think Lily is now doing a better job of sleeping through the night. But I’m feeling kinda low today, kinda bitter that when people think mental health reform in this state they are thinking only about the kids and young adults, not the people like me who were diagnosed in their mid-30s and suffered (and continue to suffer) for DECADES with their mental well-being. I’m angry I’m a nobody, a loser, doing nothing but cooking and making trash art that most people would just call art therapy if given a chance. I read a thoroughly insulting article emailed to me about bipolar creativity written by some female author purporting to be some scientist I think, issuing cautions about our creativity and how suspect it is. Kay Redfield Jamison was of course not contacted for the piece, so in my mind that automatically makes it trash.

Look, if we creatives bought into that article, we’d all halt in our tracks and do absolutely nothing. I know for me my window of opportunity to create art is kinda limited (if history has anything to do with it). I’ll have a quasi-productive period and then I just stop. That’s how it works. Right now I’m taking advantage of it, just doing things as they flow out of me. But this article I read has me suddenly doubting myself, feeling self-conscious, feeling like someone or something is trying to control what comes out of me. I absolutely hate this feeling, I want to sharply rebel against it, but does that make me crazy? I guess I don’t know.

Oh I’m just in a very bad mood today and it just sucks. The Jackets game last night didn’t help matters either, they played like shit, pardon my language but the lack of effort was atrocious. It looks like the boys have just given up, and what an embarrassment that is for all of us. Hell though, I guess I can relate, as today I just feel like giving up, screw the cooking, forget the blogging, fuck the art, just forget about it all. This is what happens when you get a lot of psychiatrists and scientists together to pick apart bipolar creativity. It just kills everything.

I guess I have to add stop reading my email to the list of things I must do to try and find some semblance of peace and happiness in my life. Oh who are these people with agendas trying to control everyone and everything? Who’s responsible for putting us in a bad mood? Do they even have a conscience or are they so corrupt and self-centered that they honestly think they know what’s best for all of us? Good Lord, I’m in a rotten mood, it’s awful, I wonder if I can pull myself out of this. Well, I have to take Lily for a walk, I can get out into the neighborhood for awhile…but I’m definitely not my usual cheerful self. I’m just a nobody who wants to be somebody. I wanna be a Contender. But I’m just a trash picker. Today, that makes me furious. Steam, blue tea pot, steam.