Update

We met with Dr. Z yesterday and he is not giving me Haldol. Instead, we are increasing the Seroquel, which has anti-psychotic, mood stabilization and sedative qualities. I actually slept quite well last night, despite a few ups and downs. Which is great.

Ready, Set, Go

"Proud To Be An American"
(By Lee Greenwood)

If tomorrow all the things were gone I'd worked for all my life,
And I had to start again with just my children and my wife.
I'd thank my lucky stars to be living here today,
‘Cause the flag still stands for freedom and they can't take that away.

And I'm proud to be an American where at least I know I'm free.
And I won't forget the men who died, who gave that right to me.
And I'd gladly stand up next to you and defend her still today.
‘Cause there ain't no doubt I love this land God bless the U.S.A.

From the lakes of Minnesota, to the hills of Tennessee,
across the plains of Texas, from sea to shining sea,

From Detroit down to Houston and New York to LA,
Well, there's pride in every American heart,
and it's time to stand and say:

I'm proud to be an American where at least I know I'm free.
And I won't forget the men who died, who gave that right to me.
And I'd gladly stand up next to you and defend her still today.
‘Cause there ain't no doubt I love this land God bless the U.S.A.

Mad As Hell And Won't Take It Anymore

My sleep is now completely shredded. I cannot piece together more than a few hours before I wake up. Obviously, I'm in a manic state. With emphasis on the word state. My brain is all fucked up from the messages and attempts to communicate with me through sounds and ESP.

Taking my voice away is a huge mistake. I am a vocal communicator by nature, and I have been stripped of this -- for reasons not clear to me. And someone could make it clear to me, but they are actively choosing not to. Which insults my intelligence and enrages me. I am being used, being played, no more, no less. It's disgusting.

This is not like the mania of 2011. It feels entirely different. And yet I have to be blunted by some seriously strong medicine to wipe out/stop any clear thinking I have about my situation. This also enrages me. Over-medicated in a situation that would not require the medicine if someone just told me the straight story. I call this cruel and unusual punishment, worthy of a lawsuit and the assessment of hefty fines on the abuser(s) and hefty reimbursement to the damaged party -- me.

If legal fighting is the reason  I am "in limbo" and kept in the dark in a stench-filled sewer with rats everywhere, I want to know why my case has not been settled, given my fragile state. Are the lawyers just greedy pigs looking for more cash if this thing drags out? Again, I want to know the who, what, when, where, how and why. This involves my life. And I have a say over it.

I'm also enraged that my husband -- I suspect -- is being manipulated as well. So we now have two pawns captured in the game. I'm no queen. Just a lowly pawn. I know he is not skilled enough to go up against the forces of the Puppet Master et, al. and subsequently he is neutered in a way. I may try to tell him, but no man wants to hear that.

Let's just state for the record that I have lost over 12 years of my life dwelling in the shit of my situation. And were someone just to come talk to me directly, I would be saved from another 12 years of this shit. If I am to be isolated/watched/guarded for the rest of my life that's fine. I just want to be verbally told now so I can prove to everyone -- more specifically, myself -- that I am not crazy.

I can promise you that I am not going down without a fight. I've been used for too long. I am coming for the Puppet Master. It's only a matter of time. (And P.S.: Not in a violent way. Remember that.)

* * *

"Always On My Mind"
(originally by Brenda Lee)

Maybe I didn't love you
Quite as often as I could have
And maybe I didn't treat you
Quite as good as I should have
If I made you feel second best
(Boy) I'm sorry I was blind

You were always on my mind
You were always on my mind

And maybe I didn't hold you
All those lonely, lonely times
And I guess I never told you
I'm so happy that you're mine
Little things I should have said and done
I just never took the time

But you were always on my mind
You were always on my mind

Tell me
tell me that your sweet love hasn't died
And give me
Give me one more chance
To keep you satisfied
I'll keep you satisfied

[Instrumental Interlude]

Little things I should have said and done
I just never took the time

But you were always on my mind
You were always on my mind
You were always on my mind

Around And Around

Michael took me on a walk to Schiller Park last night, and again, I had problems when we arrived. I got extremely anxious and agitated and had to just lay down on the grass, take my ten breaths and stare up at the sky. I did not want to look around at all the people there or listen to them. I remain suspicious of pretty much everyone except my family.

I also had a crying session in bed because I know I am contending with PTSD and people want to help me recover. It's just that I've been contending with this for over 12 years and the wounds are very, very deep. I am utterly convinced in this mind state that I have been manipulated by certain forces/entities to behave and think a certain way. And that upsets me. I just want to be me, to be free. But alas, as long as I continue to suffer from trauma, I don't know if I will ever feel "right" again. Maybe. Maybe not.

Many flashbacks are flooding me right now -- I am doing things that I did before in prior episodes. I wouldn't say this scares me, but the flashbacks can be upsetting sometimes. I feel stupid and embarrassed about my prior behavior, even though it's not my fault. You know this has been a re-occurring thing for me. I do so want to be well and balanced..

The biggest PTSD trigger is recalling in my mind that image on a page inserted into my yellow Pillsbury cookbook. How they got that in there, I don't know but it scared me so much that I threw out all of my cookbooks. That yellow cookbook was a gift from Granny Kay and I loved it. There were also recipes in books I threw out that I liked. Who put that picture in there? Why would they want to scare me with it? Who is behind the mental manipulation?

I tested out driving yesterday and managed to make it to Mom's house and back on the freeway. Was quite nervous, but proud of myself. I'm wondering if Michael can trust me with the car keys. I think I can handle it, and there are lots of errands I want to do. I will talk to him about it before he leaves for work.

My desire to "roam" isn't present as far as I can tell. I'm not smoking pot and today I embark on sobriety. My meds seem to be working with the caveat that I am waking up early -- although I do go to bed early. The lack of sleep is a sure sign that I am not 100% recovered. I know that and will continue to take steps to slow down and stay in mindfulness -- live in "the now." I am reading license plates -- looking for messages -- but I'm not too scared about that (yet). I am hoping this will ease up soon.

So all in all, I think this is a mild, controllable mania. And I'm happy about that. I hope to get out and do things this summer while I am recovering. I still don't think I should go back to my old job but I'm taking the "wait and see" approach. One Day At A Time, Melissa. Remember that.

When The Caged Bird Can't Sing

I've been pretty much fucked over my whole life -- particularly now when it comes to exterior and interior work on my house. Yes, I say MY house, even though Michael's name is on the deed. He has barely lifted a finger to do anything around here. Don't think that has gone unnoticed.

You know from my prior post that I feel trapped and paranoid. So let's layer on to that incredible frustration that I can't get the work done AND I'm not allowed to converse openly with my husband about it (or anything else). I challenge any one of you to sustain such a situation for an extended period of time. You know damn well only a few can do it -- and a big requirement is to have your self-esteem in the toilet.

I'm drugged up, bored, highly restricted in movement, chided like a toddler, psychologically manipulated (despite good intentions), trying to get sober, getting fatter, and on and on. I HATE this town for there are nothing but bad memories for me; traumatic events; mental manipulation; treated like shit in the office, etc. I wake up every day feeling like I am in a war zone. I didn't enlist for this. Hell, I'm past the draft age.

I will again state for the record that the evil Puppet Master has absolutely no fucking clue what he is doing. Now, the puppeteer could be a woman, but I highly doubt it. This individual has most likely no wartime experience, and by this I mean never gotten dirty in the trenches, never killed someone, never sustained a serious injury himself and certainly has never been taken captive as a POW. Here's an idea: Go find and interview a POW that's still alive and ask them if they think a woman could endure what they went through. That would include not having Tampax during her menstruation.

The core damage is done by the existing situation where I cannot converse openly with the Puppet Master  -- I am talking about having a frank, one-on-one conversation as to just what in the hell he is currently doing and planning. Fuck the "Silence Is Golden" credo at AMC theater. I've had enough, I'm getting small vestiges of suicidal ideations. This has gone far enough.

* * *

So now my husband and I have agreed that I will be taking Haldol to completely knock me down. That's better than Zyprexa and will keep me out of the loony bin. I've been on Haldol before and I know what happened to me: I was down and out for 6 months. I'm sure the Puppet Master (and his esteemed cabal) is thrilled about this. It will keep my trap shut for a good long while. Possibly, I won't be able to "see" anymore nor question that which needs to be questioned. I anticipate being bed-ridden. I don't know if I will be able to write, hell, even use a computer. But we must do this (so I am told) so my purportedly "nonsensical and irrational" thought patterns are eradicated. So I am shut down.

Before they drug me out completely, may I not forget two things: 1.) The image inserted in my yellow cookbook; and b.) the cover of the record by Roots held up by Jimmy Fallen.  It is these images (and others) that are used to manipulate thought patterns. I'm sure it's an old spook practice. There are other things burned into my memory and I will never forget them. No, I'm not crazy. I've never felt more sane.

I am living in hell, in a deteriorating house both inside and out. It's like me, actually. A perfect reflection of me. And I am not going to accept any longer any rationalizations supporting the conclusion that I continue to live "in limbo." That is a crock of shit. "In limbo" keeps me sick, rips me apart emotionally, causes suicidal thoughts, and requires a strength that, as a severely traumatized woman, I am not sure I have. Stop the bullshit now. And if legal machinations are responsible for "in limbo" I want to fucking converse with my legal "Dream Team." I am a U.S. citizen who has rights. This you know.

Improvement

Well, the Seroquel has served to further cement my "medicine helmet" to my head. I'm really slowing down, which of course is a good thing. Slept a good deal of the day yesterday --I really needed the sleep. Some bursts of paranoia are breaking through, which I am attributing to PTSD. We are adding in more Seroquel and that helps.

Had that tussle with Michael over the car, but perhaps it remains a good idea that I do not drive right now. Do I really need to anyway? I'm sorta scared to leave the house right now, so it may just be that being car-less is a good idea.

The house cleaner is coming today. I am going to try and tidy up before she comes, but\ I don't have much energy. I am hoping to ask her to do some laundry for me. I really need some clean clothes to wear. They are just piled up in the bedroom and it drives me nuts. I can't tell what's clean and what's dirty. So I am thinking we just wash it all.

Michael will have his own list of what should be done. I have mine. I don't want to overwhelm Denise so I will prioritize for her what would help the most. I will most likely need her to come back again -- maybe set up a schedule where she comes once every 2 weeks? Not sure.

This reminds me that I need to pick up my rug at Martin's and schedule a time for them to come clean the couch Legs sleeps on and to do the stairs. So much work needs to be done. I'm so grateful Michael is not fighting me on this. It makes me feel stronger and actually makes me want to cook for him again.

It's really strange/interesting that as we get help cleaning up this home and making it beautiful, I start feeling better. I know Michael wants to be uber-frugal, but he's too tight and it keeps me sick. He also continues to harbor the notion that I/we can do all this myself/ourselves, and it's time to face reality: we can't/won't. Things have to change. It's really important.

IMPORTANT PHONE NUMBERS FOR MICHAEL TO CALL TODAY

Mike, General Contractor (work on the house) (614) 946-6139

Eddie, works for Mike (614) 515-8262

A New Hope

Mike and Eddie -- two contractors -- came by and we discussed the work I want on the exterior of the home. Mike is Eddie's boss and he is extremely knowledgeable about home repair. It can be done relatively quickly and for an excellent price. I'm absolutely thrilled and so, so happy...the only "obstacle" will be my husband who can squash the whole thing and make me very upset.

The work includes:

Power-washing brick, fence, deck
Completing deck
Staining fence and deck
Replacing/repairing/painting bad gutters
Repainting trim
Sealing foundation and painting it
Fixing broken basement window
Misc. yard work (tree trimming, mulching, weeding, cleaning bricks, etc.)

I will let Michael do the negotiating as it comes to price. Obviously, this can be done for less than $5,000, which I roughly have in my account. Mike The Contractor also said I can pay in installments, if that made it easier for us. Fingers crossed my husband says okay.

I hope my husband understands how important this is to my recovery. A clean, organized exterior is just as important as an interior. We need help -- we are over our heads and people are here ready to assist, Mom's money is a life-saver for me and the check was for me to use as I wanted -- which for me, is the exterior work with Mike the Contractor. I am praying my husband allows this work begin...he says he wants me better sooner rather than later. Well, this would definitely propel me in that direction.

I don't want to fight, I don't want to get sick and hospitalized over Michael's negotiating. Does he know that makes me ill sometimes? I just want to be well. And happy. Please Michael. let us go forward with this.

Historic Pope Visit

CNS Story: POPE-WRAP May-27-2014 (420 words) With photos posted May 24, 25, 26 and 27. xxxi Pope says his 'most authentic' gestures in Holy Land were spontaneous By Francis X. Rocca Catholic News Service ABOARD THE PAPAL FLIGHT FROM TEL AVIV (CNS) -- During an inflight news conference May 26 on his return to Rome from the Holy Land, Pope Francis answered several questions about his just-ended three-day visit, giving reporters insights into his thinking and glimpses behind the scenes of the high-profile events. Regarding his dramatic gestures during the visit, when he prayed at the controversial Israeli-built separation wall in the West Bank and kissed the hands of Holocaust survivors, the pope said the "most authentic gestures are those you don't think about ... mine were not planned gestures, it just occurs to me to do something spontaneously that way." Pope Francis wipes his eye before answering questions from journalists aboard the flight from Israel to Rome May 26. (CNS/Paul Haring) The pope said he had considered inviting Israeli President Shimon Peres and Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas to pray with him for peace during the visit, but "there were so many logistical problems, so many, the territory where it should happen, it wasn't easy." Instead, he invited the two leaders to join him later at the Vatican for the purpose. Both have accepted, but a date for the event has not been set. On the status of Jerusalem, which Israel has controversially declared its "complete and united capital," the pope suggested part of the city might serve as capital for Palestinians under an eventual two-state solution, but that in any case it should be a "city of peace" for Christians, Muslims and Jews. In response to a question about the possible beatification of the wartime Pope Pius XII, who many critics argue did not do or say as much as possible against the Nazi genocide of the Jews, Pope Francis did not comment on the controversy but said he could not even consider the possibility of beatification in the absence of at least one miracle recognized as attributable to late pope's intercession. Asked about his meeting in Jerusalem with Ecumenical Patriarch Bartholomew of Constantinople, the pope said they discussed what he called the "ridiculous" problem of Catholic and Orthodox churches celebrating Easter on different dates, and the possibility of common efforts by the churches to protect the natural environment. The pope's meeting with Patriarch Bartholomew, marking the 50th anniversary of a historic encounter between Pope Paul VI and Ecumenical Patriarch Athenagoras, was the original reason for Pope Francis' densely packed pilgrimage to the Holy Land. The two leaders met a total of four times during the visit, participating in an ecumenical prayer service at the Church of the Holy Sepulcher and issuing a common declaration calling for "communion in legitimate diversity" between their churches. END

Bound And Gagged

Michael took the car keys away so I continue to be locked up in this German Village nut hut. I want to scream. I am not an angry bipolar by nature, but I am simmering right now and worried I might implode. I have no freedom whatsoever. Even the Giant Eagle runs are a joke. Hell, my entire surroundings are one big fat joke.

I'm not going to lift one finger to clean up around here. I'm that pissed off. The whole house can fall apart -- just like my life. I hate it here, I hate Columbus, I hate "the game," I hate the Puppet Master. No one gives a shit about me and all of my suffering. I just have to do what I'm ordered to do and "play nice" along the way.

I start "roaming" if I feel trapped. And that's what I am: a rat in a cage. This town disgusts me. The people here disgust me. My husband disgusts me. He thinks he is smarter than I am; he treats me like shit; he has no understanding of how hard I have been fighting my disorder and attempting to lead a quasi-normal life. There is no trust and respect in this marriage.

This is the juncture where I start seriously looking at our marriage and wondering if we can make it. I have a lot of repressed anger and there is absolutely no doubt in my mind he was a major factor in the 2011 mania. What positive things is he doing to make me happy? He tells me he is going through a tough time with my current illness -- what the hell about me?? I'm the one living with the anxiety attacks and visions and paranoia. I'm the one not sleeping at night. I'm the one that has no choice but to be sober. Does he forget how hard that is?!

I'm in a tar pit today. I feel like I'm covered in the thick, stinky goo. I can't move and the stench is overwhelming. I hate it here. I want out.

Fallen Soldiers

(From Facebook, Memorial Day Piece)

This is a picture the military has never let anyone see until now.

This is a picture behind the scenes at Dover Air Force Base where the bodies of fallen soldiers are prepared for burial. And that includes being properly dressed, all the way down to the smallest detail.

In this picture Staff Sgt. Miguel Deynes is making sure the uniform is just right for an army pilot recently killed in Afghanistan. There is a very specific process once a fallen soldier is returned home.

The bodies are flown back to the U.S. on a cargo jet. A team of service members wearing white gloves carries the coffins, covered with flags, to a white van that takes them to the Armed Forces Medical Examiner.

The remains are washed, the hands are scrubbed clean, and the hair is shampooed. If necessary bones are wired together and damaged tissue is reconstructed with flesh-toned wax. Sometimes they will use photos, sometimes just intuition to recreate the wrinkles in faces, and the lines around the mouth or the corner of the eyes.

“It has to look normal, like someone who is sleeping.”

Once the body is ready then the uniform is prepared. That includes putting medals in the proper order on the ribbon rack above the jacket’s breast pocket.

During the height of the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan 10 to 20 bodies were arriving every day. The embalmers often worked all night to get the bodies home on time. That can take an emotional toll so the mortuary has a large gym so workers can blow off steam.

Many say they are haunted by how young the fallen soldiers are, and by how many of them leave behind small children. That’s why Sgt. Deynes says they are advised not to do research into the backgrounds of the soldiers.

“If I knew the story of every individual who went through here, I would probably be in a padded cell.” The dress uniform being prepared in this particular case will be in a closed casket. Even so, it will be perfectly tailored, starched and pressed. Everything will be checked down to the last detail.

Sgt. Deynes says, “They’re (the family) not going to see it. I do it for myself. It’s more than an honor it’s a blessing to dress that soldier for the last time.”

NEVER FORGET!

Chomsky On COINTELPRO

(From Democracy Now! Noam Chomsky on COINTELPRO)

Today’s news that the—some of the people who exposed the Media files—Media, Pennsylvania, files—have identified themselves gives quite a good opportunity to pay attention to the content of those files, which has not received the attention it deserved. This was quite a remarkable event. The Media, Pennsylvania, office of the FBI was the central office for a large region. There was an enormous amount of information stored there. The files were liberated, available for the public. And the—what was exposed was quite dramatic. For one thing, it turned out that the major activity of the FBI was essentially as a national political police. Fighting crime and other things were quite marginal. And their activities as a national political police were extremely significant. They were—a large part of it was the program that was called COINTELPRO. That was a massive government subversion operation. It started in the late '50s, but it really picked up through the 1960s. The first target was naturally the Communist Party, but it very quickly moved on to Puerto Rican independence, Native American movement, the entire New Left, the women's movement. The major target was black nationalist movements, which were practically decimated.

And it—the activities, the subversive activities, went from defamation, character assassination, efforts to create conflicts within groups by spreading false rumors and so on, all the way up to direct political assassination. 1969 was the peak. It was the assassination of Fred Hampton, the black organizer in Chicago, very effective organizer. Turns out—turned out—this didn’t come out from Media, but a couple years later it came out in court cases that the FBI had tried to have him assassinated by a black gang in Chicago, Blackstone Rangers. They sent fake messages written in kind of their version of black dialect to the Rangers, saying that Fred Hampton and the Panthers were trying to kill their main leader, hoping that the Rangers would react by killing him. Well, they were closely enough integrated so that that didn’t work. And right after that, the FBI essentially set up an assassination. They faked information that the Hampton apartment had guns. They gave it to the Chicago police. The Chicago police broke in at, you know, 4:00 in the morning, murdered Hampton, who was sleeping in bed, maybe drugged, and Mark Clark, another organizer. It turned out that Hampton’s bodyguard was an FBI informer. There was—the police pretended that they had been defending themselves from fire, but it turned out very quickly that all the firing was into the apartment. This was—I mean, this is pretty serious business, going up to Gestapo-style assassination. And, in fact, the black nationalist groups were decimated, and many others were disrupted.

Well, part of that came out from the Media files, but the major exposure was the extent to which the FBI was functioning as a political police, a national political police, as distinct from the pretext that they’re somehow defending us from crime. That’s kind of on a par with the claims that, you know, international—we should call it what it is, international terrorism—like, say, the drone campaign—is intended somehow to defend us. It has quite different aims. And, in fact, whenever the government pleads security, we should be very skeptical. That’s—for one thing, it’s kind of predictable. That’s the plea no matter what is exposed. You can think of that in connection with the Snowden exposures. So, since it’s predictable, it really doesn’t tell you anything. And when you look closely, it turns out that tore. That was unusual. But it’s very significant.hose pretexts quite typically dissolve rapidly on exposure, as is the case with the revelation of what the FBI was in fact doing under four administrations. It was finally—at least in theory, this was all stopped by the courts in the early 1970s, but undoubtedly, similar operations go on. [inaudible] can’t be on that scale anymore. That was unusual. But it’s very significant.

Liking Ike

BEWARE THE MILITARY INDUSTRIAL COMPLEX

Eisenhower's Warning Still Challenges A Nation

(From NPR - Jan. 15, 2011)

Before President Reagan urged Soviet leader Mikhail Gorbachev to "tear down this wall," and even before President Kennedy told Americans to ask "what you can do for your country," President Dwight D. Eisenhower coined his own phrase about "the military-industrial complex."

That statement, spoken just days before Eisenhower left office in 1961, was his warning to the nation.

At the time, the United States was sitting atop a huge military establishment built from its participation in three major wars. This buildup led Eisenhower to caution against the misplacement of power and influence of the military.

Fifty years later, the United States is engaged in two wars abroad, and some say Eisenhower's warning still holds true.

A Call For An 'Alert And Knowledgeable Citizenry'

While some historians have written off Eisenhower's farewell address as an afterthought, his grandson, David Eisenhower, says it was a speech the president spent months crafting.

"He did know it was going to have an impact," David Eisenhower tells Weekend All Things Considered host Guy Raz.

David Eisenhower is the director of the Institute for Public Service at the Annenberg School of Communication and co-authored the book Going Home To Glory: A Memoir of Life with Dwight D. Eisenhower.

"In the councils of government, we must guard against the acquisition of unwarranted influence, whether sought or unsought, by the military-industrial complex," he said in his farewell address. "The potential for the disastrous rise of misplaced power exists and will persist."

Eisenhower's warning was all the more powerful coming from a five-star general.

"The feeling among Eisenhower's allies was that Eisenhower had said something that in one way or another would undermine the position of many political allies that he had," David Eisenhower says.

Those allies worried that Eisenhower's words would be used against them, particularly as the Vietnam War began. Had the president handed antiwar activists a slogan they could use to oppose the conflict? David Eisenhower contends his grandfather was not concerned with the political fallout.

"I have immersed myself professionally for many years in the Eisenhower papers," he says. "I know how his mind worked. I know what his habits of expression were. This is Dwight Eisenhower in the farewell address, and he speaks the truth."

Though most people remember Eisenhower's speech for its warning about the growing influence of the Pentagon, David Eisenhower says the president had another message.

"Eisenhower's farewell address, in the final analysis, is about internal threats posed by vested interests to the democratic process," he says. "But above all, it is addressed to citizens — and about citizenship."

"Only an alert and knowledgeable citizenry can compel the proper meshing of the huge industrial and military machinery of defense with our peaceful methods and goals," Eisenhower said in his address.

An Unwelcome Warning

Eisenhower's message was spot-on, but came too late, says Andrew Bacevich, a retired career officer in the U.S. Army and professor of history and international relations at Boston University.

"I think we should view the speech as an admission of failure on the president's part," Bacevich tells Raz, "an acknowledgment that he was unable to curb tendencies that he had recognized, from the very outset of his presidency, were problematic."

During Eisenhower's presidency, defense spending accounted for 10 percent of gross domestic product, almost double today's percentage. But for Eisenhower to pull out the scissors and make cuts to the defense budget would have been declared anathema; the nation was prospering.

"In the 1950s, a guns-and-butter recipe seemingly had worked," Bacevich says. "We were safe and we were prosperous, so what was not to like?" That's not the case today, he says.

"We can no longer insist on having both guns and butter," Bacevich says. "We are compromising the possibility of sustaining genuine prosperity at home."

As Eisenhower warned, "Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired, signifies in the final sense, a theft. The cost of one modern, heavy bomber is this: a modern, brick school in more than 30 cities."

Just as Eisenhower had trouble convincing Congress to re-examine the role of the U.S. military five decades ago, Bacevich says America's leadership has similar difficulties today.

"Our political institutions demonstrate an unwillingness, or an inability, to really take on the big questions," Bacevich says. "And the American people – many of them distracted by all kinds of concerns, like having a job when there's almost 10-percent unemployment — aren't paying attention."

Bacevich insists that its time for Americans to review the belief that the United States needs to maintain a global military presence to safeguard national security. "There was a time, I think, in the Eisenhower era, military presence abroad was useful," he says. No longer.

"Maintaining U.S. military forces in the so-called 'Greater Middle East' doesn't contribute to stability — it contributes to instability," Bacevich says. "It increases anti-Americanism. So why persist in the belief that maintaining all these U.S. forces scattered around the globe are necessary?"

If Americans could challenge that assumption, Bacevich says, then maybe it would be possible to have "a different and more modest national security posture that will be more affordable — and still keep the country safe."

No Man Is An Island

Feeling isolated and alone. Like I'm in a cage. It's a terribly uncomfortable feeling and it makes me so sad. I haven't had any crying outbursts recently, so I guess that's a good thing. I am hopeful the day will come when I can drive a car again. But I'm worried it won't, which would mean I couldn't hold down a "traditional" job one drives to every day.

Having no car means your "freedom" is compromised and in my case, that agitates me. You must rely on others to get around -- be that public transportation, cabs, family, etc. If I lived in a city with a subway that would be one thing. But I am in a place designed for driving. Pretty much everyone who is of legal age to drive has a car.

I accept it that right now, driving is out of the question for me, given my mental state of affairs. But when this mania (or whatever we want to call it) "breaks" I will want to drive again. I love listening to my 80s music in the car. I miss it so much.

All of this makes me feel like I am in a straitjacket. I can't move, I can barely breathe. I'm strapped in tight on a gurney and wheeled into a nut hut. I wish I were a normal person who didn't have these problems. I wish I didn't have this illness. I wish I could be free -- to be me.

Groupthink: Good Or Bad?

GROUPTHINK

Definition:

Groupthink is a term first used in 1972 by social psychologist Irving L. Janis that refers to a psychological phenomenon in which people strive for consensus within a group. In many cases, people will set aside their own personal beliefs or adopt the opinion of the rest of the group. People who are opposed to the decisions or overriding opinion of the group as a whole frequently remain quiet, preferring to keep the peace rather than disrupt the uniformity of the crowd.

Understanding Groupthink

Why does groupthink occur? Think about the last time you were part of a group, perhaps during a school project. Imagine that someone proposes an idea that you think is quite poor. However, everyone else in the group agrees with the person who suggested the idea and the group seems set on pursuing that course of action. Do you voice your dissent or do you just go along with the majority opinion? In many cases, people end up engaging in groupthink when they fear that their objections might disrupt the harmony of the group or suspect that their ideas might cause other members to reject them.

Groupthink can have some benefits. When working with a large number of people, it often allows the group to make decisions, complete tasks, and finish projects quickly and efficiently. However, this phenomenon also has costs as well. The suppression of individual opinions and creative thought can lead to poor decision-making and inefficient problem-solving.

A number of factors can influence this psychological phenomenon. It tends to occur more in situations where group members are very similar to one another and is more likely to take place when a powerful and charismatic leader commands the group. Situations where the group is placed under extreme stress or where moral dilemmas exist also increase the occurrence of groupthink.

However, there are steps that groups can take to minimize this problem. First, leaders can give group members the opportunity to express their own ideas or argue against ideas that have already been proposed. Breaking up members into smaller independent teams can also be helpful.

Observations

"When present, these antecedent conditions are hypothesized to foster the extreme consensus-seeking characteristic of groupthink. This in turn is predicted to lead to two categories of undesirable decision-making processes. The first, traditionally labeled symptoms of groupthink, include illusion of invulnerability, collective rationalization, stereotypes of outgroups, self-censorship, mindguards, and belief in the inherent morality of the group. The second, typically identified as symptoms of defective decision-making, involve the incomplete survey of alternatives and objectives, poor information search, failure to appraise the risks of the preferred solution, and selective information processing. Not surprisingly, these combined forces are predicted to result in extremely defective decision making performance by the group."
(Marlene E. Turner & Anthony R. Pratkanis, Twenty-Five Years of Groupthink Theory and Research: Lessons from the Evaluation of a Theory, 1998, Organizational Behavior and Human Decision Processes, 73, 105–115.)

"The member's firm belief in the inherent morality of their group and their use of undifferentiated negative stereotypes of opponents enable them to minimize decision conflicts between ethical values and expediency, especially when they are inclined to resort to violence. The shared belief that "we are a wise and good group" inclines them to use group concurrence as a major criterion to judge the morality as well as the efficacy of any policy under discussion. "Since our group's objectives are good," the members feel, "any means we decide to use must be good." This shared assumption helps the members avoid feelings of shame or guilt about decisions that may violate their personal code of ethical behavior. Negative stereotypes of the enemy enhance their sense of moral righteousness as well as their pride in the lofty mission of the in-group."
(Irving L. Janis, 1972, Victims of Groupthink)
Related Quotes

"The tribe often thinks the visionary has turned his back on them. When, in fact, the visionary has simply turned his face to the future."
(Ray Davis)

"For it is dangerous to attach one's self to the crowd in front, and so long as each one of us is more willing to trust another than to judge for himself, we never show any judgment in the matter of living, but always a blind trust, and a mistake that has been passed on from hand to hand finally involves us and works our destruction."
(Seneca)

"The important thing about groupthink is that it works not so much by censoring dissent as by making dissent seem somehow improbable."
(James Surowiecki)

"Groupthink being a coinage -- and, admittedly, a loaded one -- a working definition is in order. We are not talking about mere instinctive conformity -- it is, after all, a perennial failing of mankind. What we are talking about is a rationalized conformity -- an open, articulate philosophy which holds that group values are not only expedient but right and good as well."
(William H. Whyte Jr.)

* * *

Groupthink
By Lisa Fritscher
Updated September 15, 2008

Definition:
Groupthink is a psychological phenomenon that can occur in groups of people. Rather than critically evaluating information, the group members begin to form quick opinions that match the group consensus. Groupthink seems to occur most often when a respected or persuasive leader is present, inspiring members to agree with his or her opinion.

Groupthink is sometimes positive but is more often seen in a negative light, particularly in the United States and other countries that value individual opinion. Mass hysteria can be seen as an extreme example of groupthink.

And On Sunday They Rested...

Celebrated my birthday last night with chicken wings, shots of God knows what, and of course numerous beers.  I am paying the price today...but I must admit I did have fun and Michael took me to White Castle to top the evening off. It was hilarious.

Planning to lay low and not question things (so much) today. Such as why this city feels so "empty" to me -- as if everyone moved away and have been replaced by a team of others. People I know randomly cross paths with me -- others call or reach out through mail and Facebook. This may be "normal" but it doesn't feel that way to me. I am still suspicious and worried and hyper-sensitive. This is why I feel the way I do.

A strange thing happened yesterday. Michael and I got pastries and walked over to the park. As we got closer, I started feeling very, very ill. We sat down on one of the benches circling the statue of Andi. It was uncomfortable for me.

I also know that this situation I am in now -- the knowing all and seeing the big picture -- may not last long. And that is why I wrote and sent my resignation letter because I won't know what in the heck to do with myself when I "recover." How strange I will feel. I also believe recovery is going to take time -- I don't know how much. The Build Ohio work cranks up after Labor Day. What do I do if I can't handle it?

Very strange dreams last night about Stephanie Skestos being mean and shunning me from our high school clique; and then a dream about confronting therapists in Phil's office for wasting my time, threatening me, and other things. I lashed out with threats they would be terminated, All in all, these dreams were upsetting. I didn't like them.

Still hungry and very thirsty for beer. Going to try and address the latter as soon as possible. It's very hard though. I'm struggling.

Trapped

Today is my birthday and instead of feeling good about celebrating, I feel like I am in a "government cell." By this I mean it feels like I am in prison. I'm being told this is actually a hospital-like situation, where I don't have access to a car but can walk around and get rides from people or take public transportation, etc. And that's a good thing. But this whole town feels fake and feels like a government "operation" to keep me contained.

I've got many questions about this. Why would anyone want to keep me as a  "political prisoner"? Wouldn't I have some rights in this situation? As a U.S. citizen, should I not be afforded the protections and liberties granted to such a person like myself? Are some laws being broken?

This is not to say I actually want to be free to roam around the United States and the world. No, I'm happy here for the most part (as long as I get help to clean up the mess in my yard and house). But let's face it: I'm in prison, with "operatives" running around all over the place. I know this sounds like your run-of-the-mill paranoia. Which maybe I have, but I doubt it. Oh no, there's a target drawn around Columbus and I'm right in the center -- the bull's eye.

As to what I am going to do in this situation, I'm not sure. They continue to pump more medicine into me. Which slows me down. But is this a good thing? Fortunately my mind is sharp as a tack and I can write. Now, if my husband takes the computer away I will really get upset and very, very suspicious and angry. And we do not want that to happen. So I will keep my trap shut for now.

Next Steps

The Seroquel is on board and I am very, very tired. Hard to concentrate and write right now. I am hoping I will get more grounded as the days pass. The sun is out and it's a beautiful day. So that's a good thing!

A Grand Hurrah

This is most likely my last post before they hit me with the Zyprexa (or whatever else is up their sleeve). I want to state for the record that I hate this drug; it causes morbid obesity; and the long-term effects on the brain are not known. I would prefer another medication be utilized.

I do not know how I will be affected. The rapid cycling will inevitably tamper down and I will move at a much slower pace, which is good because the sleepless nights are coming. But the question I have is what will happen when I emerge on the other side and stabilize? Will all be forgotten?

I am very suspicious right now of people around me and their motives and (possible) manipulations. I know they love me, but this is quite a complicated game we are playing...

Coming Around Again

The sleeplessness started about 2 days ago. I want to state for the record that this does not feel like the manias of the past -- on the contrary, this is much, much different and I say this in a positive way. Now is the time when I start creating things. I am worried they will increase/change my medicine...and that will drug me out completely and my mind will become like tar. And then of course the weight comes on and I cannot walk or ride a bike or move in general.

But there isn't much for me to do about it. I have to follow instructions. I am going to push hard, however, to avoid taking Zyprexa. That is an evil, terrible drug. This whole thing seems like a farce, really, because I do believe the "mania" has a definite cycle and naturally "breaks" on its own. Sometime in mid-summer. But it's true if I am not sleeping and having cycling throughout the day and medicating with alcohol, well, something has to change.

For some reason (I haven't figured this out yet), I want to eat wheat. Shredded wheat cereal, wheat beers, things like that. Anything with wheat in it. I'm trying to hold back on buying the cereal because I got so fat from eating it last time. I had bowl after bowl every day. But it's true that I want it. I am going to try shredded wheat with bran, and have fiber so I don't get constipated. That should help.

I had my hair done yesterday at the salon in the Village where I went during one of my past manias. I had a great experience this time around, and I love my new hair cut. I also got some info about whitening my teeth and I am going to do that this summer. Mom and I are going clothes shopping tomorrow and that will be great. I need some tops, maybe some light sweaters. I like long ones. Not sure if they have any, but we'll go and find out.

I also need some face powder, lipstick and foundation from Chanel. So we'll be stopping by the make-up counter too. Should be a quick purchase -- Mom cannot stand waiting and gets impatient. I cannot dawdle because it will irritate her. I wish she could just relax!

I'm feeling very clear and cogent right now. Not scared, not anxious. Completely relaxed. Very peaceful, actually, and I like that. Now, if they pile on meds I'll be a zombie and that doesn't feel good at all. It's terribly depressing, actually, to have your mind shut off from everything. I know they want the cycling under control and for me to stop medicating with alcohol. I'm not stupid. But I can't seem to get the point across that the beer is serving a purpose here -- what I don't know -- in keeping me from going over the edge. It relaxes me too.

I guess this is just a fine line we are walking. A real tightrope. I need to stay balanced. That is very, very important. It's extremely difficult, but I'm a strong woman with the tools to handle my current situation. Michael and I are pros at this now. We've been through enough manias to know how (for the most part) to handle them. Still, however, need that medical guidance. Michael sometimes thinks he knows everything about the pill ratios and that's not always true.

* * *

Thinking about my penchant to be an investigative reporter. That is ingrained very heavily in me, and I don't think it will ever go away. I try to stop doing it, but it always creeps back in. I just can't stop looking for answers why things play out the way they do. (Insert lyrics to "The Gambler" here.)

I think the questions of who, what, when, where, how and why are very important and must be teased out so we can understand the complete picture of life. And I cannot/ will not stop asking these questions. So this is where we are left for the time being.

Also wondering where my art is and having visions of it hidden away in Columbus in an old church with a combination lock on it. Somewhere in Old Town East. Andi knows where it is. I had this vision in a prior mania. She was shown this place by someone when she was looking for places to rehab. My art is there, I think. Perhaps I call Andi and ask where the place is -- but I know she's smart and will probably lie about it and say the place doesn't exist.

But I know it does.

Gotta watch out for Andi. She's brilliant but a pathological liar. She doesn't know fact from fiction anymore. I've caught her in countless lies. I feel so sorry for her, actually, because I know deep down she is suffering so much and lies to cover up her feelings. I truly worry about her because I know she is losing her mind. And it's tragic, actually, because she is so gifted. But she's going to be taken out from greed, hubris, pride, ego, just a host of things. (Insert chorus to "The Gambler" here.)

Yes, I've met quite a colorful group of characters on my personal journey of life. And I'm sure more colorful ones are waiting in the wings. But for now I want to stick very close to my loved ones, as I can get suspicious of people's motives/manipulations. This is why I'm not going back to the office. End game there. I will need to find some new employment, but at this juncture, I'm suspicious about that too. So back I go into "One Day At A Time" and keep my fingers crossed tightly that Michael will stay off my back and not pressure me to work right now. That will make me sick and unable to function.

Don't know how today will play itself out. Going to try and take it slow. I see Dr. Z at 2:00 p.m. and Phil at 3:00 p.m. Not sure if I can cook tonight. I miss my cooking and it's a clear sign that things are off kilter when I cease cooking. That's a fact. I know I have to take things slow, particularly given the PTSD from past manias. Those ones during the Bush/Cheney years were God awful. I NEVER want to go through that again. Now, the mania of 2011 was bad too, mostly because of the wandering/driving up to Detroit and other places. Dr. Z dropped the ball on that. Then he hit me with Zyprexa. It was one big mess.

* * & % $ 1 0 1 0 1 0 673 t h ydenthryo56thywillbedone

This be the verse:

The fuck you up, your Mum and Dad
They do not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you!

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can.
And don't have kids yourself!

I see the "Predator Drones" art piece, purchased for (I think) $125 from a gentleman. That was one of my best. I also believe the flower done on cardboard was outstanding.

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(Note: I find this all to be extremely, errr, confusing to me, but it just feels like the right thing to do.)
 

Celebrate Good Times

Pope Francis:

There is indeed God. He cares for his children; sees the suffering; has chosen you

One world. One vision. Give me your hand, give me your heart. I'm ready. There's only one direction. One world. And one nation. One vision.

Woah, Woah, Woah Feelings

I have a very strong sense that I am not going back to work at my office. I am not treated well, I am underemployed, paid a pittance, treated like dirt by some of the folks there, I get stressed out. Heck, I'm not going back there. I need to get up the courage to let them know I am moving on and give my 2 weeks notice. They deserve that out of respect and I always want to do the right, honorable thing.

I know I will miss Glenna dearly, but we can meet for the movies and have our popcorn and sodas plus maybe do other things. I love Glenna so much. She has been so good to me, so understanding of my illness and so helpful. She is one of my closest friends (I don't have many left these days) and I'm going to keep that friendship going. I have her telephone number memorized -- 295-4446 -- and I find that I only have certain numbers committed to memory. Her's is one of them.

But as for Parker -- he's arrogant. Andrea is a bitch and treats me like dirt. She said all I was good for was writing and the members like me. I think she also said I'd be better off working in a spa.

I love Rich. He's one of the best bosses I have ever had. It made my day to see him happy. I could always tell when he was in a bad mood -- and I wanted to try and cheer him up. I'm really going to miss him so much, but I know he has the two beautiful dogs and his great family. He's a good man and makes me smile and laugh. I haven't laughed and smiled in so, so long...it makes me so sad that we won't see each other again (unless by chance). Great guy.

Strange Days

Up at 3:00 a.m. and only got about 7 hours of sleep. Feeling a little bit down...going through some mild mood swings. One minute I feel really good and strong; next minute I'm scared and upset. Get touches of paranoia and I really don't like that at all...also my memory isn't good. So I must really resort to writing things down in the morning when I feel the most alert and focused.

All in all, had a great day yesterday. For a moment I thought everything was going to be AOK. But I had periods of great fear and sadness and I had to do deep breathing. I guess I was having some anxiety attacks. Worried Michael thinks I'm completely fine and ready to go back to work at the office. Well, we know that's not going to happen. I'm not going back there. I'm going to have to have him relay the message because I may break down crying and I feel like I am letting everyone down. Feeling so guilty...

I cannot imagine myself in a "typical" paying job in an office ever again. Now, I could be wrong, but right now I get very anxious at the thought of it. I just want to relax and take things easy -- day by day -- because I know I'm not on a firm footing at all. Michael is not going to like this -- he will immediately think of the income that will no longer be coming in and subsequently start pushing me to apply for jobs. This will put me over the edge. I am in no way ready to go to a formal office. I don't want to be the one going around with my hat in hand looking for money...but he will pressure me, I just know it.

Remembering that strange picture inserted into my Pillsbury cookbook and how it frightened me so much that I threw all of the cookbooks out. Some of those cookbooks I really liked but I became so paranoid and upset. This is why I have gone on some of my "insane" throwing out phases because I feel manipulated. Then Michael gets mad at me and says I'm crazy. The whole thing is just so upsetting. I had some horrific experiences in past manias -- I don't like thinking about it because it gets painful and makes me feel so sad.

I keep mulling over in my head whether I have been subjected to Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome/Disorder. I think I have, but Dr. Z and Barb, my therapist seemed to indicate (?) that was not the case. Phil doesn't talk about it much either. But I disagree completely. I know that I have and I know who's to blame and it makes me so upset that no one believes me. I have no tools as to how to manage PTSD and we all know about how some people commit suicide. I don't want to be one of those people. So I am thinking maybe I a.) find an additional therapist to help with the PTSD problem or at the very least b.) Google PTSD treatment.

I really hope to have another good day today. I may stay inside because I am nervous. Michael is going flying. Perhaps I'm jealous he can go off and be free whilst I stay at home a paranoid wreck. But I like being alone sometimes. It's good for me/us to have a little time apart.

I know many wonder why I continue to stay with him. There are many, many reasons coupled with a sense of fate and destiny. Let us not forget that NO ONE in this town wanted to date me seriously; certainly no one wanted to marry me. Michael courted me like a gentleman and made/makes me laugh at a time I so desperately needed it. It's easy to look at the state of things today and point fingers and scratch heads and issue calls to action. But the truth is when I needed somebody to stand by me in a terrible crisis he was there. And no one else (for the most part) was.

The two of us have weathered serious storms together. I would wager that a heck of a lot of couples couldn't possibly handle what we've been through. Don't know that for sure, but I'm thinking it's true. I love my coffee bean.

Well, this is it for now. I'm going to relax and maybe order a book on Amazon. But funny, I notice you may buy a book for cheap but the shipping costs more...hmmmmm.....strange, indeed!

Into Action

When the financial stress is removed, I can think more clearly and get more things done. The tight restraints caused by a lack of money (thank you capitalism) prohibit me from doing the necessary work I need to do. I am going to be unemployed (i.e. not have a "traditional" paying job) for an unknown period of time and I need to be assured that this will not lead to knock out, drag me out fights with my husband and fear and stress. There is work that needs to be done on the house. It is critical. Needs to be done this summer. Michael can be a big obstacle -- that has to stop. Mom can too when I ask for money. She always says she doesn't have any, when I know she does. I am anticipating needing about the same amount of money I got from AGC of Ohio ($350/week) give or take. Don't need much. And of course help with the gutters.

We could start using credit cards, but I'm worried about debt...

I need to get on a level playing field with Michael in some respects. He has excellent negotiating skills and gets good contractors in SOME instances. And I'm proud of him for that. But I know a thing or two myself. On the deck: we need to seriously ask ourselves if he is going to finish the project or if we just bring a handyman in here to get it done. That thing could be finished in a few hours -- an afternoon. I know Michael's pride is on the line but God damn it, the thing is unfinished. It's not safe to walk on; Nell has trouble; it's an eyesore...need I go on? What blows my mind is why can't he just realize that bringing someone in here and paying them next to nothing frees him up to go flying? He won't have to stay home over the weekend laboring on the project. It's insanity, I tell you!

We work together best when it comes to ideas and I love working with him in the garden. It's a team effort. But we're not experts. There are places in the garden where things just will not grow. And I don't know exactly why, but an expert in gardening might. I am going to start pulling down the dead ivy and other dead growth and do some mulching. I am also going to try to get in touch with those guys who came in and got the weeds out and shaped the bushes and cleaned things up for, oh, $20? Why can't Michael appreciate the fact that I can make good decisions too?

I'm going to try and stand up for myself more. It's true, I get very stressed when I see my bank balance. I like it when he manages the money. When I get turned down at the grocery and other places for "insufficient funds" it is SO embarrassing and I am humiliated. Then I get angry. I'm just praying that doesn't happen, because I so rarely check my balance in my account. It just scares me if I go under $300 in there...

So I am going to start in with some of my projects. Michael gets very, very touchy about the garden so I will take the dead ivy down and start clean up when he goes to work (or some other time when he is not home). I need to go to the bank and get a small amount of cash to keep on hand if I find someone in the neighborhood who can help me.

Feeling really good about this plan that is taking shape. It's time for things to move forward.

Fleeing the Ship

Had some flashbacks yesterday but they didn't really upset me as much, which is good. I'm making progress. One thing that popped into my head was that night back in 2003 (?) (my memory isn't so hot now because of the meds) that I was wondering around downtown in a quasi-manic state in the dead of night and saw all these big-sized river rats jumping in and out of an open dumpster in the garage under the Statehouse.

I thought it was gross and funny at the same time -- and also very telling in a tongue in cheek kind of way. I wrote a brief, witty letter to the editor at The Columbus Dispatch and lo and behold they printed it. I heard recently that they are having a rat problem in Worthington -- I wonder if all those river rats that infested the Scioto River flowing through downtown for so long have migrated? Heck, they have got to have gone somewhere.

That was a strange night for me. I also ran into a male prostitute who introduced himself as "Adam." I replied, "Hello, I'm Eve." It just sorta seemed like the natural, funny thing to say. He had very bad teeth and was very skinny. Not in good shape at all. We chatted for awhile and then he jumped into a car that drove up. Off into the night he went.

I kept wandering around and for some reason, started picking up trash under some bushes along the perimeter of the Statehouse. A cheap Vodka bottle, empty bags of chips, cigarette butts, all kinds of discarded things. I put it all into a trashcan. I had this overwhelming urge to clean things up, and this has been a re-occurring theme in my manias. Like my dogs, for example. I saw them as angels that had to be kept clean at all times.

Seeing as we're on the subject of cleanliness and rats today, we've had two run-ins with rats at my household. There was that time my dear, beloved Basset Big Lou tried to bring a dead, frozen rat into the house -- probably to hide it away and eat it later. Michael stopped him at the door, somehow got the rat out of his mouth, and threw it into the street.

Then we once had a rat actually in our house. Now I didn't see it but my husband did. That rodent got in here somehow and got himself into the basement. My husband told me much later that he heard something making a noise down there and opened the door to the basement and there was the rat -- halfway up the stairs, just looking at him defiantly. I'm not sure how he responded. I'll have to ask him. That would be very telling.

There's not too much in our basement right now, given a constant, reoccurring sewage line problem. I do keep the leftover pieces of my manic artwork down there and I think some mold is forming on them. That reminds me: I wonder what happened to that artwork of mine that I threw away in my trashcan during one of my manias? Who has it? That was quite a bit of stuff -- some of my best pieces. Where did it go?

Come to think of it, lots of things have "gone missing" from my house. I'll have to sit down and make a list. I can't find some of my journals, for instance. I planted a rosary in my tire planter one year and that's gone. Michael would never throw something like that out. I liked that rosary because a beautiful yellow flower soon grew in the tire. I always thought it was a special message. Now nothing grows in that tire. I planted bee balm last year and it doesn't look like it's coming back. I'm going to try again this year.

Pleased to report I'm feeling good today. Really stable which is so relieving. Almost calm. I like it. Onward with my day I go.

Wanna Be

Woke up this morning feeling a little dejected. I was recalling my days as a fledgling journalist in 2000-2001 working for a small newspaper in a county adjacent to Columbus. I loved working there and I believe I thrived there. This was of course all before I got sick, and I could easily manage the high stress of deadlines.

When I took the job at the paper, I interrupted my studies at The Ohio State University to obtain a Master's in Journalism (my second Master's degree). I had a 4.0 GPA and was teaching undergraduate classes and I could have stayed, but I didn't think women were treated particularly well there, and I believe there are lots of harassment claims (but I haven't dug deeply into this to be sure). I remember meeting a woman in the park who had been in the Master's program in Economics at OSU and she was harassed so terribly it emotionally scarred her. She of course left. I don't blame her.

I chose to follow a career in journalism because I wanted to move into Public Affairs reporting. I had the undergraduate degree in Government from Smith; the international study at the London School of Economics; the Master's degree in Public Management from the University of Maryland and solid experience working in the Executive branch of the federal government at the U.S. Department of Energy. I knew (and still know) how "the game" was played, and I wanted to (as objectively as possible) look at and analyze things through another lens.

Now of course, objectivity is something one might strive for but it is difficult -- if not in some cases impossible -- to obtain, because we all have different past experiences like how/where we grew up, what gender we are, how old we are, where we went to school, etc. It's so easy to become subjective. Indeed, does true objectivity even exist?

But as a policy analyst at the Department of Energy it was my job to just look at both the pros and cons of a proposed policy change and not choose one option over another. That was a task for others to do. So I believed public affairs journalism was a good "career move" for me. And I do love to write, after all. When I was really dreaming big, I hoped to one day have my own column. God, I would have loved that. But as you know that did not transpire.

I know they say let bygones be bygones. Honestly, I'm not bitter things didn't turn out the way I had planned. I guess everything happens for a reason. I try real hard not to dwell in the past or live in the feared future, rather live in the "precious present." That works for me. Dream big, I think. Then you won't have regrets later.

Ridin' The Storm Out

The weather switched this week from quite hot to rainy and cool. And I noticed my mood was slightly affected -- I felt happy and "whimsical" early in the week and now more contemplative and brooding(?) as we move into the weekend.

I am reminded of some of my terrible depression periods, which I have blessedly been free from for years. Dr. Z found the right depression med for me (Lexapro) years ago and I couldn't be happier. Literally. Throughout my teens and 20s, I suffered from painful, clinical depression episodes, filled with suicidal ideas and heavy drinking to make the pain go away (it didn't). I refused (stupidly) to take medication, mostly out of pride, and weathered awful periods of physical and emotional pain. I'm so relieved to not have to experience today this side of bipolar disorder.

What's interesting is I only suffered from depression -- not mania and psychosis -- for years and it was not until I finally agreed to take medication in my early 30s that the manic side of my mental illness came out. The depression medication was Lamictal, and I found out later that if one has bipolar disorder, Lamictal will trigger mania. This is what happened to me in 2002 when I had my first mania, and what led to the ultimate diagnosis of my bipolar mental illness.

Now at this point, let's step back and ponder things a bit. First, if I continued to not take any prescription medication for my depression, would I be free from that horrible mania that scares me so much? Or second, if I was introduced to Lexapro from the get go, would the manic side of my illness continue to lay dormant and not be an issue for me?

I believe I asked Dr. Z about this at some point and I don't recall what his answer was. Maybe there is no answer. Does it really matter? What I have decided to do is see my psychiatrist regularly, have my talk therapy once a week and take my medication. This is the treatment plan for bipolar disorder prescribed for me so I follow it.

This is not to say I like what I have to do. Oh no, not at all. For instance, to keep any sign of mania at bay this Spring, as you know we increased my Depakote by 1,000 mg/day. I have gained (I am guessing) roughly 20 lbs. and I'm furious. And my psychotherapy is going slow right now. I was testing the waters, trying to be more assertive about my needs at home and at work and that didn't go over too well. In other words, I ended up going back into my shell.

I guess what's important is I am stable mood-wise today and that's always a blessing. Although we don't have children so I am "technically" not a mother, we are celebrating Mother's Day today and my husband is taking me out to brunch. This is a special treat for me, as I would normally be cooking brunch at home today for husband (and the Basset Hounds, who inevitably get their fair share).

So it's rainy and gray this morning but I'm happy. And that's what is ultimately important. Get out the umbrella. I'm going out!

Soul Survivor

I awoke this morning feeling calm and serene. It's quite gloomy and cold outside, which normally would bring my mood down quite a bit, but I feel rather optimistic about the day that lies in wait for me. I have my (huge carafe of) coffee brewing and my two Bassets have been watered and fed. I think that this will be a good day for me.

It's Thursday and I have my weekly talk therapy session today. We have been spending a great deal of time over the past three years helping me get over this re-occurring, debilitating fear I have of getting manic again and having to be shipped off to the loony bin. It's frustrating, slow-going, and I talk like a broken record. I keep repeating, "Yes, I know I'm fine now...but..." It's getting rather tiresome. Bless my therapist for putting up with me.

The other key issue we cover is my horribly low self-esteem, something that prevents me from living a happy life, feeling confident, interacting with others, being assertive and setting boundaries. This is something I have battled for most of my life. My therapist does a great job reminding me of all my talents and skills, my wisdom, my intelligence. Sometimes I believe him, sometimes I don't.

What I'm thinking this morning is if I dig deep, deep down into my soul -- maybe go look in a mirror because I can see through the window -- I can find that Melissa who is indeed doing fine, who is functioning well, deserving of praise, someone who will always be a survivor. I've been knocked down hard by this mental illness, but right now I'm standing and walking. I may be deeply embarrassed and ashamed of my bipolar disorder, but it's not something I asked for and I'm getting pills and skills to manage it.

Now, I wouldn't call myself "awesome." That's a little bit of a stretch for me right now. But I feel pretty comfortable with a tag of "survivor." Deep in my soul, I know this is true. And that's pretty uplifting for me to know. So onward with my day I go. One step at a time.