Around And Around

Michael took me on a walk to Schiller Park last night, and again, I had problems when we arrived. I got extremely anxious and agitated and had to just lay down on the grass, take my ten breaths and stare up at the sky. I did not want to look around at all the people there or listen to them. I remain suspicious of pretty much everyone except my family.

I also had a crying session in bed because I know I am contending with PTSD and people want to help me recover. It's just that I've been contending with this for over 12 years and the wounds are very, very deep. I am utterly convinced in this mind state that I have been manipulated by certain forces/entities to behave and think a certain way. And that upsets me. I just want to be me, to be free. But alas, as long as I continue to suffer from trauma, I don't know if I will ever feel "right" again. Maybe. Maybe not.

Many flashbacks are flooding me right now -- I am doing things that I did before in prior episodes. I wouldn't say this scares me, but the flashbacks can be upsetting sometimes. I feel stupid and embarrassed about my prior behavior, even though it's not my fault. You know this has been a re-occurring thing for me. I do so want to be well and balanced..

The biggest PTSD trigger is recalling in my mind that image on a page inserted into my yellow Pillsbury cookbook. How they got that in there, I don't know but it scared me so much that I threw out all of my cookbooks. That yellow cookbook was a gift from Granny Kay and I loved it. There were also recipes in books I threw out that I liked. Who put that picture in there? Why would they want to scare me with it? Who is behind the mental manipulation?

I tested out driving yesterday and managed to make it to Mom's house and back on the freeway. Was quite nervous, but proud of myself. I'm wondering if Michael can trust me with the car keys. I think I can handle it, and there are lots of errands I want to do. I will talk to him about it before he leaves for work.

My desire to "roam" isn't present as far as I can tell. I'm not smoking pot and today I embark on sobriety. My meds seem to be working with the caveat that I am waking up early -- although I do go to bed early. The lack of sleep is a sure sign that I am not 100% recovered. I know that and will continue to take steps to slow down and stay in mindfulness -- live in "the now." I am reading license plates -- looking for messages -- but I'm not too scared about that (yet). I am hoping this will ease up soon.

So all in all, I think this is a mild, controllable mania. And I'm happy about that. I hope to get out and do things this summer while I am recovering. I still don't think I should go back to my old job but I'm taking the "wait and see" approach. One Day At A Time, Melissa. Remember that.