Ridin' The Storm Out

The weather switched this week from quite hot to rainy and cool. And I noticed my mood was slightly affected -- I felt happy and "whimsical" early in the week and now more contemplative and brooding(?) as we move into the weekend.

I am reminded of some of my terrible depression periods, which I have blessedly been free from for years. Dr. Z found the right depression med for me (Lexapro) years ago and I couldn't be happier. Literally. Throughout my teens and 20s, I suffered from painful, clinical depression episodes, filled with suicidal ideas and heavy drinking to make the pain go away (it didn't). I refused (stupidly) to take medication, mostly out of pride, and weathered awful periods of physical and emotional pain. I'm so relieved to not have to experience today this side of bipolar disorder.

What's interesting is I only suffered from depression -- not mania and psychosis -- for years and it was not until I finally agreed to take medication in my early 30s that the manic side of my mental illness came out. The depression medication was Lamictal, and I found out later that if one has bipolar disorder, Lamictal will trigger mania. This is what happened to me in 2002 when I had my first mania, and what led to the ultimate diagnosis of my bipolar mental illness.

Now at this point, let's step back and ponder things a bit. First, if I continued to not take any prescription medication for my depression, would I be free from that horrible mania that scares me so much? Or second, if I was introduced to Lexapro from the get go, would the manic side of my illness continue to lay dormant and not be an issue for me?

I believe I asked Dr. Z about this at some point and I don't recall what his answer was. Maybe there is no answer. Does it really matter? What I have decided to do is see my psychiatrist regularly, have my talk therapy once a week and take my medication. This is the treatment plan for bipolar disorder prescribed for me so I follow it.

This is not to say I like what I have to do. Oh no, not at all. For instance, to keep any sign of mania at bay this Spring, as you know we increased my Depakote by 1,000 mg/day. I have gained (I am guessing) roughly 20 lbs. and I'm furious. And my psychotherapy is going slow right now. I was testing the waters, trying to be more assertive about my needs at home and at work and that didn't go over too well. In other words, I ended up going back into my shell.

I guess what's important is I am stable mood-wise today and that's always a blessing. Although we don't have children so I am "technically" not a mother, we are celebrating Mother's Day today and my husband is taking me out to brunch. This is a special treat for me, as I would normally be cooking brunch at home today for husband (and the Basset Hounds, who inevitably get their fair share).

So it's rainy and gray this morning but I'm happy. And that's what is ultimately important. Get out the umbrella. I'm going out!