The sleeplessness started about 2 days ago. I want to state for the record that this does not feel like the manias of the past -- on the contrary, this is much, much different and I say this in a positive way. Now is the time when I start creating things. I am worried they will increase/change my medicine...and that will drug me out completely and my mind will become like tar. And then of course the weight comes on and I cannot walk or ride a bike or move in general.
But there isn't much for me to do about it. I have to follow instructions. I am going to push hard, however, to avoid taking Zyprexa. That is an evil, terrible drug. This whole thing seems like a farce, really, because I do believe the "mania" has a definite cycle and naturally "breaks" on its own. Sometime in mid-summer. But it's true if I am not sleeping and having cycling throughout the day and medicating with alcohol, well, something has to change.
For some reason (I haven't figured this out yet), I want to eat wheat. Shredded wheat cereal, wheat beers, things like that. Anything with wheat in it. I'm trying to hold back on buying the cereal because I got so fat from eating it last time. I had bowl after bowl every day. But it's true that I want it. I am going to try shredded wheat with bran, and have fiber so I don't get constipated. That should help.
I had my hair done yesterday at the salon in the Village where I went during one of my past manias. I had a great experience this time around, and I love my new hair cut. I also got some info about whitening my teeth and I am going to do that this summer. Mom and I are going clothes shopping tomorrow and that will be great. I need some tops, maybe some light sweaters. I like long ones. Not sure if they have any, but we'll go and find out.
I also need some face powder, lipstick and foundation from Chanel. So we'll be stopping by the make-up counter too. Should be a quick purchase -- Mom cannot stand waiting and gets impatient. I cannot dawdle because it will irritate her. I wish she could just relax!
I'm feeling very clear and cogent right now. Not scared, not anxious. Completely relaxed. Very peaceful, actually, and I like that. Now, if they pile on meds I'll be a zombie and that doesn't feel good at all. It's terribly depressing, actually, to have your mind shut off from everything. I know they want the cycling under control and for me to stop medicating with alcohol. I'm not stupid. But I can't seem to get the point across that the beer is serving a purpose here -- what I don't know -- in keeping me from going over the edge. It relaxes me too.
I guess this is just a fine line we are walking. A real tightrope. I need to stay balanced. That is very, very important. It's extremely difficult, but I'm a strong woman with the tools to handle my current situation. Michael and I are pros at this now. We've been through enough manias to know how (for the most part) to handle them. Still, however, need that medical guidance. Michael sometimes thinks he knows everything about the pill ratios and that's not always true.
* * *
Thinking about my penchant to be an investigative reporter. That is ingrained very heavily in me, and I don't think it will ever go away. I try to stop doing it, but it always creeps back in. I just can't stop looking for answers why things play out the way they do. (Insert lyrics to "The Gambler" here.)
I think the questions of who, what, when, where, how and why are very important and must be teased out so we can understand the complete picture of life. And I cannot/ will not stop asking these questions. So this is where we are left for the time being.
Also wondering where my art is and having visions of it hidden away in Columbus in an old church with a combination lock on it. Somewhere in Old Town East. Andi knows where it is. I had this vision in a prior mania. She was shown this place by someone when she was looking for places to rehab. My art is there, I think. Perhaps I call Andi and ask where the place is -- but I know she's smart and will probably lie about it and say the place doesn't exist.
But I know it does.
Gotta watch out for Andi. She's brilliant but a pathological liar. She doesn't know fact from fiction anymore. I've caught her in countless lies. I feel so sorry for her, actually, because I know deep down she is suffering so much and lies to cover up her feelings. I truly worry about her because I know she is losing her mind. And it's tragic, actually, because she is so gifted. But she's going to be taken out from greed, hubris, pride, ego, just a host of things. (Insert chorus to "The Gambler" here.)
Yes, I've met quite a colorful group of characters on my personal journey of life. And I'm sure more colorful ones are waiting in the wings. But for now I want to stick very close to my loved ones, as I can get suspicious of people's motives/manipulations. This is why I'm not going back to the office. End game there. I will need to find some new employment, but at this juncture, I'm suspicious about that too. So back I go into "One Day At A Time" and keep my fingers crossed tightly that Michael will stay off my back and not pressure me to work right now. That will make me sick and unable to function.
Don't know how today will play itself out. Going to try and take it slow. I see Dr. Z at 2:00 p.m. and Phil at 3:00 p.m. Not sure if I can cook tonight. I miss my cooking and it's a clear sign that things are off kilter when I cease cooking. That's a fact. I know I have to take things slow, particularly given the PTSD from past manias. Those ones during the Bush/Cheney years were God awful. I NEVER want to go through that again. Now, the mania of 2011 was bad too, mostly because of the wandering/driving up to Detroit and other places. Dr. Z dropped the ball on that. Then he hit me with Zyprexa. It was one big mess.
* * & % $ 1 0 1 0 1 0 673 t h ydenthryo56thywillbedone
This be the verse:
The fuck you up, your Mum and Dad
They do not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you!
Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can.
And don't have kids yourself!
I see the "Predator Drones" art piece, purchased for (I think) $125 from a gentleman. That was one of my best. I also believe the flower done on cardboard was outstanding.
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(Note: I find this all to be extremely, errr, confusing to me, but it just feels like the right thing to do.)
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