Mad As Hell And Won't Take It Anymore

My sleep is now completely shredded. I cannot piece together more than a few hours before I wake up. Obviously, I'm in a manic state. With emphasis on the word state. My brain is all fucked up from the messages and attempts to communicate with me through sounds and ESP.

Taking my voice away is a huge mistake. I am a vocal communicator by nature, and I have been stripped of this -- for reasons not clear to me. And someone could make it clear to me, but they are actively choosing not to. Which insults my intelligence and enrages me. I am being used, being played, no more, no less. It's disgusting.

This is not like the mania of 2011. It feels entirely different. And yet I have to be blunted by some seriously strong medicine to wipe out/stop any clear thinking I have about my situation. This also enrages me. Over-medicated in a situation that would not require the medicine if someone just told me the straight story. I call this cruel and unusual punishment, worthy of a lawsuit and the assessment of hefty fines on the abuser(s) and hefty reimbursement to the damaged party -- me.

If legal fighting is the reason  I am "in limbo" and kept in the dark in a stench-filled sewer with rats everywhere, I want to know why my case has not been settled, given my fragile state. Are the lawyers just greedy pigs looking for more cash if this thing drags out? Again, I want to know the who, what, when, where, how and why. This involves my life. And I have a say over it.

I'm also enraged that my husband -- I suspect -- is being manipulated as well. So we now have two pawns captured in the game. I'm no queen. Just a lowly pawn. I know he is not skilled enough to go up against the forces of the Puppet Master et, al. and subsequently he is neutered in a way. I may try to tell him, but no man wants to hear that.

Let's just state for the record that I have lost over 12 years of my life dwelling in the shit of my situation. And were someone just to come talk to me directly, I would be saved from another 12 years of this shit. If I am to be isolated/watched/guarded for the rest of my life that's fine. I just want to be verbally told now so I can prove to everyone -- more specifically, myself -- that I am not crazy.

I can promise you that I am not going down without a fight. I've been used for too long. I am coming for the Puppet Master. It's only a matter of time. (And P.S.: Not in a violent way. Remember that.)

* * *

"Always On My Mind"
(originally by Brenda Lee)

Maybe I didn't love you
Quite as often as I could have
And maybe I didn't treat you
Quite as good as I should have
If I made you feel second best
(Boy) I'm sorry I was blind

You were always on my mind
You were always on my mind

And maybe I didn't hold you
All those lonely, lonely times
And I guess I never told you
I'm so happy that you're mine
Little things I should have said and done
I just never took the time

But you were always on my mind
You were always on my mind

Tell me
tell me that your sweet love hasn't died
And give me
Give me one more chance
To keep you satisfied
I'll keep you satisfied

[Instrumental Interlude]

Little things I should have said and done
I just never took the time

But you were always on my mind
You were always on my mind
You were always on my mind