Feeling isolated and alone. Like I'm in a cage. It's a terribly uncomfortable feeling and it makes me so sad. I haven't had any crying outbursts recently, so I guess that's a good thing. I am hopeful the day will come when I can drive a car again. But I'm worried it won't, which would mean I couldn't hold down a "traditional" job one drives to every day.
Having no car means your "freedom" is compromised and in my case, that agitates me. You must rely on others to get around -- be that public transportation, cabs, family, etc. If I lived in a city with a subway that would be one thing. But I am in a place designed for driving. Pretty much everyone who is of legal age to drive has a car.
I accept it that right now, driving is out of the question for me, given my mental state of affairs. But when this mania (or whatever we want to call it) "breaks" I will want to drive again. I love listening to my 80s music in the car. I miss it so much.
All of this makes me feel like I am in a straitjacket. I can't move, I can barely breathe. I'm strapped in tight on a gurney and wheeled into a nut hut. I wish I were a normal person who didn't have these problems. I wish I didn't have this illness. I wish I could be free -- to be me.
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