Strange Days

Up at 3:00 a.m. and only got about 7 hours of sleep. Feeling a little bit down...going through some mild mood swings. One minute I feel really good and strong; next minute I'm scared and upset. Get touches of paranoia and I really don't like that at all...also my memory isn't good. So I must really resort to writing things down in the morning when I feel the most alert and focused.

All in all, had a great day yesterday. For a moment I thought everything was going to be AOK. But I had periods of great fear and sadness and I had to do deep breathing. I guess I was having some anxiety attacks. Worried Michael thinks I'm completely fine and ready to go back to work at the office. Well, we know that's not going to happen. I'm not going back there. I'm going to have to have him relay the message because I may break down crying and I feel like I am letting everyone down. Feeling so guilty...

I cannot imagine myself in a "typical" paying job in an office ever again. Now, I could be wrong, but right now I get very anxious at the thought of it. I just want to relax and take things easy -- day by day -- because I know I'm not on a firm footing at all. Michael is not going to like this -- he will immediately think of the income that will no longer be coming in and subsequently start pushing me to apply for jobs. This will put me over the edge. I am in no way ready to go to a formal office. I don't want to be the one going around with my hat in hand looking for money...but he will pressure me, I just know it.

Remembering that strange picture inserted into my Pillsbury cookbook and how it frightened me so much that I threw all of the cookbooks out. Some of those cookbooks I really liked but I became so paranoid and upset. This is why I have gone on some of my "insane" throwing out phases because I feel manipulated. Then Michael gets mad at me and says I'm crazy. The whole thing is just so upsetting. I had some horrific experiences in past manias -- I don't like thinking about it because it gets painful and makes me feel so sad.

I keep mulling over in my head whether I have been subjected to Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome/Disorder. I think I have, but Dr. Z and Barb, my therapist seemed to indicate (?) that was not the case. Phil doesn't talk about it much either. But I disagree completely. I know that I have and I know who's to blame and it makes me so upset that no one believes me. I have no tools as to how to manage PTSD and we all know about how some people commit suicide. I don't want to be one of those people. So I am thinking maybe I a.) find an additional therapist to help with the PTSD problem or at the very least b.) Google PTSD treatment.

I really hope to have another good day today. I may stay inside because I am nervous. Michael is going flying. Perhaps I'm jealous he can go off and be free whilst I stay at home a paranoid wreck. But I like being alone sometimes. It's good for me/us to have a little time apart.

I know many wonder why I continue to stay with him. There are many, many reasons coupled with a sense of fate and destiny. Let us not forget that NO ONE in this town wanted to date me seriously; certainly no one wanted to marry me. Michael courted me like a gentleman and made/makes me laugh at a time I so desperately needed it. It's easy to look at the state of things today and point fingers and scratch heads and issue calls to action. But the truth is when I needed somebody to stand by me in a terrible crisis he was there. And no one else (for the most part) was.

The two of us have weathered serious storms together. I would wager that a heck of a lot of couples couldn't possibly handle what we've been through. Don't know that for sure, but I'm thinking it's true. I love my coffee bean.

Well, this is it for now. I'm going to relax and maybe order a book on Amazon. But funny, I notice you may buy a book for cheap but the shipping costs more...hmmmmm.....strange, indeed!