Flashbacks

 I’d like to take some time to discuss flashbacks, which have been plaguing me as of late and cause considerable anxiety, necessitating extra Gabapentin to get my grip back. What happens is either when I am in bed trying to fall asleep, or when I wake up in the morning and just starting my day I get hit sometimes with a flashback to a disturbing moment in psychosis when I felt extremely unsafe. I am temporarily taken right back to that moment, and I feel the trauma all over again. I have given some thought as to whether I need to pursue EMDR or some other type of intensive treatment to treat trauma; but I have always held off. 

My flashbacks don’t happen every day—more like once every few months. But it’s unsettling when it happens. I see Fetter today and I think I will discuss it, and maybe talk about psychosis in general. I wonder if I will ever be completely free of psychosis happening again, or whether I might be able to take less of this antipsychotic Risperdal I am currently on. At times I seriously doubt Dr. Levy will reduce the 4 mg dosage, especially given the incident in October when I had a full on fear phobia prolonged anxiety attack (or whatever it was). Honestly, I’m too tired to push him for any med tweaking right now, and frankly I’m scared of going back to the nut hut again.

Yawn, I’m having trouble waking up, it’s been this way ever since I got Covid more than three weeks ago. I’m not testing positive anymore yet I still feel extremely tired in the morning. It’s hard for me to write right now, making me wonder if I need to adjust my morning writing routine? The words used to flow so easily before—is this some sort of extended “brain fog” I’m going through right now? Probably. I feel muddled and tarry. Yuck.

Just talked with mom and she’s tired too. Could it be we both are taking too much Simply Sleep at night and feel groggy in the morning? Oh, I wish I knew what was going on, but maybe I just let go of trying to understand and just let things unfold this morning as they will. I’m planning to take a shower soon, that will wake me up for sure. OK, this is enough writing for today. Hopefully my creative juices will be flowing more easily in the days and weeks to come.