Hey reader(s), contact the researchers, I’ve just had another bout of breakthrough “Covid Anxiety” or whatever we are calling these random anxiety attacks that have been plaguing me as of late since I contracted Covid. They are happening in the morning, when I first wake up, and basically I’ve been managing them by popping an extra 400 mg Gabapentin—I think I recall correctly that Dr. Levy said I have latitude to add this extra dose of the Gabapentin if the need arises, and oh readers, it has! I am just hit with this feeling of not feeling safe, and my thoughts spiral out and I don’t reach hysteria but I’m extremely uncomfortable. But if I take this extra Gabapentin, in time I calm down and get my “toe hold” (if that makes any sense).
Now, what I am wondering is if there has been any research to date as to whether this Covid Anxiety (as I am calling it) does indeed exist, and what doctors and psychiatrists are doing about it. My appointment with Dr. Levy is not until next week, so I will have to wait to discuss it with him. But the fact is I have not had breakthrough anxiety attacks for the past four months—my Risperdal dosage is effectively managing my anxiety, at least it was until I got Covid. So in my opinion, Covid Anxiety is a very real monster and I’m dealing with it as we speak. I wonder what Fetter thinks about it. I will be seeing him in person (finally!) this Thursday so I will be able to ask him about it.
What exactly is my anxiety about? Well, if differs, this morning it was about the house, and catastrophic thinking, and wanting to control Michael, definitely I was far, far away from my AA program of letting go and letting God take care of orchestrating outcomes. I have contacted sponsor Shawn and we are meeting tomorrow at Starbucks to resume discussion and I will ask him for assistance in turning things over. It’s strange, I seriously wonder if you can rely on AA teachings to help you through an anxiety disorder, I’m not sure that’s workable, though the program clearly states that those with emotional difficulties can and do recover simply if they have the capacity to be honest, which I do.
So I’m sitting here and my anxiety has abated, for the time being, I feel grounded and “The Magic Flute” is playing on the stereo. I love some Mozart in the morning, he’s really my go-to composer when I’m feeling squirrely. It’s gorgeous out today, I will probably get some tea at Starbucks and take Lily on an alley troll, though pickins are slim as of late. I’m curious when I will cease on my alley adventures, is it all a strange phase I’m going through, or will the art production continue? I know from my entries here in 2014 that after an episode/incident, a “click” happens, I kinda wake up one day and I feel readjusted to the world. Is that going to happen, or am I already “adjusted” and in reality here in the now? Ah, questions, I have a lot of them. Such is the fate of someone with a mood disorder.
OK, I’m off to make egg salad for lunch, and get dressed and proceed with my day. Just another Monday, gratefully not a manic one. Yours in perpetual wonder. Ciao.
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