Writing Prompt: Night Moves

 Prompt: Write about a special Fall evening you had or write about what you’d like to do at night this Fall.

Night Moves

I approach this particular prompt with a sigh, because lately at night I’ve been conking out in my chair in front of the TV around 9:00 p.m. every night, and this is vexing me. I feel so old, even though I’m only 59. Perhaps I look at this as a rite of passage, trading in the late nights for an early bedtime, and waking up at the crack of dawn. This is just inevitable, particularly if you’re like me and take sedating evening meds every night. 

But can I rig the system, say, on a special night I want to stay up late, take my pills later and perhaps drink some coffee in the afternoon? Sure I can, I’ve done this on countless occasions. This is my new normal as  a bipolar who is rigidly med compliant: Evening activities for me to do take planning, and altering a pill dosing schedule that is set in stone for 7:00 p.m. every night.

One such occasion this Fall I’ll be managing my evening pill schedule is on Monday, October 13 when my husband and I are going to the Blue Jackets Opening Night game at Nationwide Arena. It’s actually also our 24th anniversary and we are celebrating by treating ourselves to special lower bowl seats for the game. The game starts at 7:00 p.m. and will go until around 9:30. Then we have to make our way back to the car, and usually make it home between 10:30-11:00 p.m. That’s when I’ll take my evening meds, almost four hours later than usual. 

Because I’m normally sleeping during the hours when the game is on, it’s very novel and interesting to me to be awake and watching the hockey action live. The fans can be loud, the rink chilly, the music and game feed thrilling to experience. My senses feel alive, and this helps to keep me alert and focusing on things. I cannot imagine being this awake every night of the week, but for hockey game days I certainly can handle being alert and on top of things.

Opening Night this year offers up a lot of hope and expectation that our team, which has struggled the last five years, might finally take it to the next level and have numerous exciting wins this season for us to celebrate. We have some really good players, capable of burying the biscuit in the net when we need them to. Hopefully our game we are seeing will result in a victory. Bring it on boys!

I’d like to note that my husband and I have gone to every Blue Jackets Opening Night game since the team was founded in 2000. This year will mark 25 years’ worth of opener experiences. What was it I was saying about being old? Sheesh. So there’s a little poignancy to this upcoming evening event. No chair sleeping at home for me! Let’s Go Jackets and all that jazz. Show us your night moves on the ice and get us a win!

Writing Prompt: A Power Greater Than Myself

 Prompt: Who has changed your life, and how?

A Power Greater Than Myself

Step 2 of AA goes as follows: We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. I have a concrete example of this in my life, my psychiatrist Dr. Alan Levy, who in his conservative, measured way brought me out of insane bipolar instability into the stable, controlled life I lead today. I have been under his care for 8 years, and we have developed quite a relationship.

Dr. Levy got my medication straightened out, and encouraged me to stay the course when med side effects started wrecking havoc on my system. He patiently listens to me gripe session after session, yet somehow he calms me and I end up staying religiously med compliant, along with staying completely sober. 

It took me a very long time to get to this total abstinence from alcohol and weed, and I realize that Dr. Levy appreciates my sobriety journey. He’s never said this directly but I’m fairly certain Dr. Levy wouldn’t treat me if I were actively using alcohol, weed, or another mood-altering substance. So I guess I had to be ready to work with him, and that didn’t happen until I was 51 years old.

Everything dovetailed together in the Spring of 2017, starting sobriety again, finding Dr. Levy, and getting on a completely new medication cocktail. It all just clicked, and I was finally on my way, after years of chaos and multiple hospital stays. It hasn’t been a complete bed of roses throughout the past 8 years. I’ve had some challenging struggles with anxiety, which we cannot seem to completely control. But maybe that’s something you can’t permanently nail down. Oh well.

Dr. Levy is aging, he’s definitely in his late 60s, maybe early 70s? I’m not sure. He’s not considering retirement yet, but I know we are inching closer to that day. I’ll be devastated to lose him, I truly cherish his wisdom and skill at identifying the correct meds and dosage amounts for me. I’m going to stay out of the scary future though and not worry about what happens when Dr. Levy and I part ways. Today things are good.

Feeling Better!

 Well, after weeks of feeling physically off; and having my doctor run blood tests and urine tests and everything else under the sun, only to find nothing was wrong; I report that I have enjoyed a good week of feeling good! I know a few weeks back I cut back my Gabapentin dose by a mere 400 mg. and maybe this has something to do with it? I’m not sure.

But I’m extremely pleased to be feeling better. I have been continuing with my morning walk and swim exercise class twice a week. I want to add something else, like get a personal trainer and hit weights, but that’s expensive. Maybe I’ll just add something else like additional walking into my days. 

At some point I’ve just got to address my excess weight which keeps me from moving the way I want to. I’m roughly 50 pounds overweight and I’ve thought about doing the GLP-1 weight loss injections, but something is holding me back. I love my cooking so much and I don’t want those injections taking away my love of preparing food. 

There’s always the option of just cutting my calories down, I’ve done that before and lost a lot of weight. But I’m struggling with that, I think I may have been somewhat depressed lately and my appetite is increased. Oh, I just hate this excess weight and how difficult it can be to get it off and keep it off! Quitting the nicotine gum last year slowed my metabolism down further, and I gained 10 lbs. I just can’t get off. It’s frustrating.

But let’s put this weight talk aside and just enjoy the fact that I’m feeling good today. I’m roasting an oregano fennel seed chicken with tomatoes and garlic and the house smells divine. It’s our Sunday dinner, and I’m excited to have it. 

Michael and I are talking about taking a vacation somewhere. It’s been an extremely long time since we travelled. On the one hand I want to get away, on the other hand I’m scared. Feel the fear and do it anyway, right? We are at the age where we should be traveling. I need some courage. Something to discuss in therapy. The saga continues.

Writing Prompt: Land of the Lost

 Prompt: Write about a time you were lost. How did you find your way?

Land of the Lost

Thirty years ago, Central Ohio AA was home to a lot of lost people, myself included. I was 29, unemployed, recently returned to my hometown from Washington D.C. where I abandoned a career I loved in favor of a doomed relationship that blew up in my face. 

Yes, I came home and proceeded to drink myself silly every night, wallowing in self-pity. When the depression took ahold of me, I somehow made my way to a nearby talk therapist who, after a few sessions, quickly sized me up as a drunk and told me to go to rehab. I resisted a little, but knew the writing was on the wall. I was near bottom and had to turn things around.

The rehab place I went to enrolled me in their six week intensive outpatient program, which met three nights a week. Additional attendance at local AA meetings was required, and I can’t remember if I did the well-known “90 meetings in 90 days.” I did though go to plenty of meetings all over town. 

I remember learning a lot about the disease of alcoholism in those outpatient sessions I attended. The information sunk in and made sense to me. It carried me through five years of sobriety from alcohol after leaving outpatient. But I was someone who kept going to AA meetings without getting a sponsor or doing the 12 Steps. I also kept smoking marijuana so I wasn’t practicing total sobriety. 

But I was faithful to five years of alcohol abstinence, which for someone in their late twenties/early thirties living in a big drinking town was no small feat. Times then weren’t like they are today, with younger people not drinking as much anymore. It seemed like everyone was drinking. But not me. I counted my days, got my coins at meetings, and got stronger. 

I would go on to enroll in a Journalism Masters program at the Ohio State University, and at a local coffee shop meet the man who would become my husband. Good things happened to me. The seed of recovery was planted, and I felt lost no more. 

Why Do I Feel Off?

 So I continue to feel off around an hour after I take these pills. I’ve narrowed things down to the hefty dose of Gabapentin I’m on (felt sick after taking my noon dose), so two days ago I shaved off 400 mg from my noon dose. We shall see how I do. So far, so good. I want to reduce from 4,800 mg down to 3,200 mg/day eventually. Can I get there?

 I just feel in my gut that I’m on way too much of this med and it’s making me sick. I tried to bring my concerns about it to Dr. Levy but he kinda brushed me off. I have an appointment with my PCP Doug Schumacher next week and I’m going to ask him if he thinks I’m on too much Gabapentin. 

The problem is what other anti anxiety med is there out there for me if the Gabapentin isn’t used? Buspar? I’m not allowed to be on an SSRI so my options are limited. I’m very frustrated and just want to get back to feeling better. I was experiencing almost total relief from anxiety at the hefty dose of gabapentin I was on, but now I don’t feel well and that sucks. So back to the drawing board.

One thing I have noticed is if I push through the sick feeling and just do my walking or water exercise I tend to feel better afterwards. When I’m sedentary I feel worse. So I’m just going to get moving more. I got Michael to take me to a local park to see a bison herd and then we hiked down to a creek bed, I got over 8,000 steps, which is really good for me! 

Maybe what I’m going through is just natural aging stuff, but no, I’m 59 and I should be feeling better than I do. I can pinpoint when I started feeling off, it was exactly a year ago, and I had given up chewing nicotine gum and having occasional cigarettes at mom’s place. I’m now completely nicotine free and I’m having a lung scan tomorrow to see if there is any damage to my lungs we need to be concerned about. 

I’m nicotine free, no more alcohol, weed or cigarettes. So why aren’t I feeling better? It’s a mystery, I blame all these meds I take. But I’m definitely going to continue to be med compliant, that’s not going to change. Maybe we chalk my ailments up to being an aging bipolar with anxiety and Graves’ disease. I’m perhaps not supposed to be feeling good all the time.

 Let’s not forget I’m presently 50 lbs. overweight. What are we going to do about that? Do I try GLP-1 weight loss drug injections? I really don’t want to do that. Embark again on a quasi-Keto diet? That just makes me feel like shit. What to do…just lean into acceptance? Perhaps.

So I’ll keep an update on how I’m doing. The doctors, so far, haven’t helped me. One year feeling “off” is a long time to be suffering. I want answers. I guess I have to be my own advocate. Sigh.

Physically Off

 Good morning reader(s), I report I’ve been going through a period of not feeling well physically. I can’t really verbalize my symptoms, it’s just a sense I have of feeling “off” and kinda like these medications I’m on are too strong for my system. I keep waiting for this situation to resolve itself but nothing improves. What’s going on?

I asked Dr. Levy if something was wrong with my med dosages and he said no, what was happening was I have gone through a very intense anxiety episode over Dr. Larrimer announcing his retirement in July. Basically my body is still reacting to that, and needs time to recover. 

This explanation sounded a little like a brush off of my concerns; I was thinking maybe this 112 mcg dose of levothyroxine was too high, but no, Dr. Levy wants it remaining where it is. Honestly it’s exhausting trying to figure out what’s causing me to feel unwell. I’m constantly questioning the meds, but I really have no idea what’s causing this. 

I’m left wondering how long I’m going to feel this way. Will it just continue to be an issue for the rest of my life? It’s so friggin tempting to start tinkering with that hefty Gabapentin dose I’m on, start lowering it, even though I’ve got ample experience showing me that the anxiety comes roaring back if I do that.

Speaking of anxiety, I’ve had extremely blissful mornings since switching to half-caff coffee. I’m going to make a commitment to decaf coffee eventually. I wish I had done this sooner! Now what’s left is to get moving more, get out of this chair. That’s proven to be a very hard thing to do, I’m entirely wedded to staying seated and sedate.

My thinking now is try to improve the way I’m physically feeling by increasing my step count. Michael is trying to nudge me to move more, and Matt is being more forceful about it. Dr. Levy has been after me to move for years. I know I can commit to this, just need to push myself. Ok, I’m headed out for my morning walk. One foot in front of the other!

Relief? New Changes

 Hello there reader(s), I report I’ve made changes to my morning routine and I’m feeling better! Morning anxiety isn’t plaguing me as much, which is a blessed relief! Here’s what I’m doing:

I am now drinking only two cups of Starbucks “Half Caff” in the morning. I go on a 10-minute walk after my first cup of coffee. I have a banana sometimes before the walk, sometimes after. I do the walk even on mornings when I have the pool class. This combined reduction in caffeine and increased movement in the morning has really lessened my anxiety. Both were suggested by my friend Julie, yet Dr. Levy has been after me to exercise for 8 years.

I told Matt I wanted to shower more frequently so he suggested bathing on Sunday, Wednesday and Friday. I’ve been experimenting with the Sunday and Wednesday but have yet to include the third day, Friday. But today is Friday so I’m thinking I will get in and rinse off, so I have something to report to Matt next week. Plus it makes sense since I’m in the pool Tuesdays and Thursdays and I should be washing the chlorine off my body.

It was difficult for me to admit I needed help bathing more than once a week. I feel ashamed that I am not taking better care of my hygiene. Michael doesn’t feel like it’s a problem; but I’m concerned enough that I’m working to implement a change in habits.

 I’m also starting now to brush my teeth in the morning as well as at night. I have been doing nightly brushing for a long time (with repeated prompts from Michael). It’s so tempting to go down the rabbit hole of trying to figure out WHY I struggle so much to brush my teeth and shower. I’m not depressed (I don’t think), so it must be the meds making things difficult. But as Matt would say, who gives a fuck about the Why, let’s focus on changing things, improving things.

I’m almost weaned off the Simply Sleep I was taking during that awful period of high anxiety I just went through. The media has been abuzz about how these OTC aids like Benedryl cause dementia; I asked Dr. Levy about it and he didn’t really believe that was true. He said using the sleeping aids sparingly and in small amounts was ok. My PCP Dr. Schumacher said the same thing. I think it’s best right now to be off of it. So that’s what I’m doing.

I’m having a productive day of doing laundry and organizing kitchen cabinets. Tonight I’m making roasted salmon with cherry tomatoes and shallots, along with an eggplant and cucumber stir fry. At least my cooking has remained a constant all throughout my bipolar and anxiety journey. I need to remember it’s like mom says, we all have assets and liabilities. Things we can do and things we can’t (or don’t want to) do. 

Let’s live just for today, keep it One Day At a Time. I do best when I live this way. Stay in the present, Melissa. Have a good day.

Writing Prompt: Poetry

Writing Prompt: Try your hand at writing a haiku or diamanté poem.

Neurodivergent

Need prompts to brush teeth.

Rewear socks days in a row.

Yet master many words.

Resilience (Sisyphus Tale)

Push to overcome

Fight temptation to give up

I can’t no option.

Mom’s recent poetry:

Patience

The last virtue to appear

Deep breathing brings it near

Physically slows the heart

Delays a hasty start.

Calms the high anxiety

Of what could be

Versus doing what one can.

And standing calm

For life’s inevitable stress

Not careless

But saying privately

One can handle whatever

Is to be.

Macro-Micro

I read recently in some place

An astounding idea of outer space:

The possibility of many universes linked

In ways beyond my ken I think.

So since I live in this changing time

Where all expands beyond my mind

Why do I continue to insist

On my own importance in this mist?

A teeny,tiny spec of sand

Insignificant

Yet to myself so grand

Logic will not answer this

The senselessness

Of the abyss.

Therapy Assignment: FEAR? Face or Flee?

FEAR?  Face or Flee?

The assignment is write a short piece telling anxiety, fear and worry to fuck off. I find I can utter these words out loud but do I really mean it? Lord, am I ready to throw off this incredible beast of anxiety holding me down; gripping my neck tight and throttling me within an inch of my life. All I do is worry and panic, getting frightened so easily by the smallest things. 

The current stressor du jour is that my endocrinologist of 25 years announced he is retiring, and I’m panicking that I won’t find a suitable replacement for him. I’ve been in an ongoing state of high anxiety for a week, requesting the addition of some new medication to give me relief. Dr. Levy turned that down, believing the stress will resolve in time, and that I have the fortitude to weather this storm.

I’m already on a large dose of anxiety medication, Gabapentin, which helps some but doesn’t protect me from anxiety breakthroughs. So I’m out here floundering, dealing with a tightened stomach, rapid heartbeat at times, and obsessive thoughts of fearful scenarios that swirl around in my head. All of this absolutely exhausts me, and keeps me trapped in my recliner most of the time. I need to break free of this. I can’t stand it anymore!

I’ve temporarily halted all my exercise, the weather outside is too oppressive for walking, and my thoughts are too disorganized and chaotic for me to operate a motor vehicle and drive all the way to the pool. My therapist Matt is going to challenge me, and give me a hard time for being cloistered inside and sedate. I don’t have the strength to argue with him. I’ll just say I’ll try to get back to my routine on Thursday, when the weather is better.

The worst thing I’m dealing with is a tightening of my mid section, my stomach area; it’s in a knot that won’t unwind. I’m thinking an Ativan or hit of weed would settle things right down, but no, that’s not for me anymore. Shawn says pray and the anxiety will go away. I don’t believe him, so I don’t pray. I’ve asked others to pray for me though, which they kindly have agreed to do.

Now back to my original assignment, telling this anxiety and fear monster to fuck off. I need to summon up some self esteem and a backbone to do that. Some self confidence to stand up and really challenge my central nervous system to get back in line so I can relax like I want to. 

I guess I took the easy way out and instead did an easy 4 minute session of Box Breathing on Insight Timer, followed by some 4-7-8 breathing exercises designed to help you release tension and find calm, in the face of an anxiety attack. Honestly this helped some, but the tension is still there. Will it always be?

I think I’ll compose a Haiku about my inability to architect a brutal response to anxiety. Did I fail this assignment? Maybe Matt will grant me some leniency.

FLIGHT NOT FIGHT

Feet far from the ground

Anxiety won this round

No fucks to be found

Challenges

 Hello again, dear reader(s). After a nice long run of fairly pleasant mornings, it’s back again to the early morning (4:00 am) wake ups, tossing and turning in bed until I arise around 8; then being gripped by worry and fear from around 8:00 am until 10:00 am. I’m on rinse and repeat, which exhausts me. 

I keep wanting to go down the rabbit hole of trying to figure out why this is happening to me. But my therapist tells me that’s a complete waste of time, and to just get myself the hell out of my chair and get out and get walking, to break the anxiety train in half. I have been forcing myself to do ten minute morning walks and I have to say that it’s helping!

Honestly readers, I’m getting mighty tired of complaining to others about my anxiety disorder. I just want to quietly work to manage this beast with the tools I’m getting in therapy, and keep to myself when I have the anxiety attacks. I’ve been using my elderly mother as my sounding board for too damn long. I need to remember that the anxiety is only bad on certain mornings, and only for a two hour window. Then it fades as my medication kicks in. I can get through this.

My other challenge, the bipolar with psychotic features disorder, is actually well under control and has been for a good long while. My medicine cocktail of Depakote (a mood stabilizer) plus Risperdal (an antipsychotic) has worked beautifully to keep my moods regulated and ensure I don’t experience manic psychosis. This means I’ve stayed out of the psych ward, and what a blessed relief that is! 

Now, all is not totally peachy keen, as my meds have some very challenging side effects, including cognitive impairment, memory loss, weight gain, hair loss, and fatigue and sedation. But as I said earlier, I’m getting kinda tired of complaining about my situation, and instead I’m kinda tempted to just quietly accept things as they are. “Acceptance is the answer” from AA seems fitting when thinking about my meds.

I’m much more than my mental health conditions, and I’d like to move forward out of the worry and fear and into enriching activities to fill up my days. I do have my water exercise classes, my cooking projects, and my gatherings with friends and family. I’m trying to identify a volunteer opportunity that I might like. I’m looking into planning a trip to the Hocking Hills with my husband and hound dog. Keeping myself occupied is important; it helps me to overcome challenges. 

Well, that’s all for today, thanks for tuning in, always remember to let whatever you do today be enough. Easy does it, and all that. Catch ya later!

Writing Prompt: I Just Don’t Feel Like Myself Today

 Prompt: Feeling out of sorts? Write about not feeling like yourself.

I Just Don’t Feel Like Myself Today

When you have to deal with bipolar disorder, and add to that contend with a wonky thyroid gland, it’s been my experience that you go through many, many days not feeling like you’re supposed to. I went through a three month stretch this past winter of feeling completely overwhelmed with anxiety, caused by doctors making changes to my thyroid medication dose. It was awful, and I wore down my support people with all my angst and complaining. Thank God I’m finally adjusted to my medication.

When my bipolar medication isn’t at the correct dose, or I’ve embarked on strange diets that alter my metabolism which in turn affects my bipolar meds, I can quickly escalate into psychotic mania. I lose touch with reality, and I definitely start behaving in ways that are not like my normal self. 

I get grandiose, believing I’m a superstar or a prophet, with special abilities and talents. I throw random things away in the trash, believing I need to send “messages” to the City. I can go on spending sprees, buying bizarre items that when I return to sanity, I end up not liking and wanting to get rid of because it’s painful to look at them.

In a way, my manias traumatize me, because I do things and say things (like wander downtown, talking out loud to myself) that later cause me deep embarrassment when I think about them. I know it’s not my fault and I shouldn’t feel so ashamed but I can’t help it. Losing my mind is not something I’m proud to admit.

Writing Prompt: Cheap Sunglasses

 Prompt: Write about something you got for free.

Cheap Sunglasses 

In the ‘80s there was this store in the mall called, “Sunglass Hut.” They sold all manner of cheap sunglasses, a much bigger selection than what you could find at the neighborhood drug store. I didn’t frequent the Sunglass Hut, as I was saving my pennies for a pair of Wayfayer Raybans like Tom Cruise wore in Risky Business (are you guys too young to remember that movie?). The Sunglass Hut didn’t sell Raybans. That wasn’t their groove.

Fast forward to today, and to the collection of cheap sunglasses, some broken, my husband has on display on top of the brick wall that runs in front of our house. He’s collected these glasses on walks throughout German Village, most if not all of the glasses lost in the environs of Schmidt’s Sausage House, which is a stone’s throw from our abode.

Michael has carefully aligned the sunglasses on the wall, thinking that perhaps someone will come looking for their missing pair. But alas, nobody does. I chuckled when I saw a pair of blue swim goggles had joined the collection, I guess they can be considered an eye covering like sunglasses, and what the heck, they add an eclectic touch to the already eccentric flair of our home. 

I guess that’s the draw of cheap sunglasses, you lose a pair and they can be easily replaced. Me, I can’t wear these types of glasses because my eyes need prescription lenses. I have to drop a small fortune on eyewear, so I currently just have one pair of glasses with transitions lenses built into them, so they can double as sunglasses when I’m outside in the sun. But I do feel like I’m missing out on all the fun of buying plastic frames at CVS. 

If you can wear cheap sunglasses and you’re looking for a freebie, swing by our place and take a look at what we have on display. These sunglasses here need a new home. And could you use some swim goggles? Hurry, before they’re gone!

Writing Prompt: Non-negotiables

 Prompt: What do you NOT want to change about your life?

Non-negotiables

It seems we are always talking about things we want to change in our lives, what one needs to implement to better oneself. I don’t know about you but I never seem to just be content with the way things are in my life. So this week’s prompt is intriguing, what do I not want to change in my life, and what characteristics about myself have I accepted as desirable and worthy of keeping? 

I took the opportunity to talk to Shawn and my mom about this prompt before I started writing, just to see if they had any ideas for me. Their feedback was interesting and helpful. I loved how Shawn told me I’m someone who doesn’t want to change their priorities of maintaining good mental health and a solid, strong marriage. I call these two things non-negotiable. Let me elaborate on that a bit.

I went through an extremely tumultuous 15 year period between diagnosis of my bipolar disorder and ultimately hitting rock bottom with alcohol and weed use. There were numerous hospitalizations and my marriage almost broke up. Eight years ago I said enough was enough and embraced a new way of living.

Today I prioritize my mental health treatment plan and complete sobriety right up there with the health of my 24 year marriage. I am religiously med compliant, I work on coping skills in my weekly talk therapy sessions. As far as my marriage goes, I strive to be open and honest with my husband, and to never go to bed angry. I’m working on not trying to manipulate and control. We keep communication open, and work to diffuse conflicts. We still have rough patches though, just like everyone else. But we are committed to weathering the storms.

As far as characteristics about myself I don’t want to change, my mom helped me identify a few things. First of all, as I’ve matured in sobriety, I’ve become a very good listener. People open up to me and share what’s troubling them. Often I can provide helpful feedback. As I’ve evolved from extrovert to slightly more introverted, this listening role has taken on more prominence in my life. I think it shows wisdom, and an ability to move beyond self-centeredness. What do you think?

The other thing I wouldn’t want to change is I’m a survivor. I’ve been to hell and back and refused to give up. When you’re hit with the kind of diagnoses I have, the alcoholism and addiction, the bipolar disorder, and the anxiety disorder, things can get mighty overwhelming and dark unless you get a grip on treatment. This didn’t happen automatically for me, I had to go through some extremely challenging times. But I hung in there, acquiring knowledge and experience along the way. I’d say I’m in a good place today. Took me long enough to get here, but I made it.

These are just a few things in my life that are important to me and I don’t want to change. I don’t need to change them, actually. They add positive things to my life. Not everything needs to be changed in order for one to be happy. Are we coming back around to acceptance again? Something to ponder!

Concerns

 Good morning. The same things are bothering me: we definitely need a new car. It’s summer time. Will I be inside in this recliner the entire time? What am I going to do about my sedentary nature? My husband wants to travel but I am terrified to leave our town. It’s morning and I’m fearful again. 

I’m a terrible housekeeper and our house is cluttered. I struggle to do chores. I lack motivation and it’s extremely difficult for me to get started on tasks. I blame the medication but no one wants to hear that. I complain to Dr. Levy but he doesn’t change my meds. What am I going to do about this? I guess I must dig deep and summon up some energy, no matter how little, and just do a chore. Like organize a drawer or a cabinet.

I came clean to Matt and said there are basic things like eating enough at breakfast and lunch and showering that I’m not doing enough of. I told him I needed help with these basics, that I’m struggling. Look at me, I sit too much, I’m frightened, I don’t eat enough, I need help getting clean. What in the hell is going on, why do I agree to take these meds? Oh I know why, if I don’t take them I end up manic psychotic and in the hospital. 

How does my husband put up with me? In a chair all day, except to cook dinner. Why have I given up, or is it not giving up, it’s just all I’m capable of doing? I cannot tell which aspects of my disability cannot be overcome, and which can be changed if I just push, push, push. God, I hate summertime, it’s so debilitating for me. 

***

Spent an hour on the phone with mom, venting about my difficulties. Finally peeled back the onion enough to see that I’m just not a morning person, and if I’m in the chair, so be it. I get out of the chair throughout the day and accomplish things. It’s not as horrible as I paint it in the morning. If my biggest concern in life is I’m sedate I don’t have much to complain about.

Here we are getting closer to noon and I’m starting to feel better. More optimistic and not feeling as challenged as I was earlier. I’m going to try and set a goal today of putting away some clothes or maybe cleaning out the cutlery drawer or organizing a pantry cabinet. I can do small chores inside when it’s unpleasant outside. 

God bless mom for putting up with my morning calls! I need to do a better job of shielding her from my angst, which always dissipates as the day goes on. Things are not as bad as I make them out to be! Mom is wearing herself out trying to find answers for me, trying to fix me. I need to give her a break. I must make this a priority.

Ok I’m going to get on with my day. Easy does it. Let whatever you do today be enough.

Writing Prompt: Finding the Good in the Bad

 Prompt: What are some good, positive aspects of our alcoholic behaviors?

Finding the Good in the Bad

It all starts with, “My name is Melissa, and I’m an alcoholic.” Recognizing and confronting my alcoholism and addiction tendencies allows me to pursue a recovery program emphasizing an healthier way of living. I am living, not on the steps of death’s door. It took my addiction’s rock bottom to get me here. I have earned my seat in the AA meeting. I experience great benefit from the AA fellowship around me. Thank goodness I made it here! 

One of my worst alcoholic behaviors is my penchant for lying. But AA constantly teaches me the importance of honesty in my life and in my interactions with others. Subsequently I’m now very aware when I lie, I don’t feel right about it, and I strive to tell the truth when I can. I can say I certainly don’t lie like I used to when I was using substances. So I’ve made improvements in my life. 

My alcoholic desire to numb myself has been replaced by my doing soothing, self care activities like meditation, getting a  massage, and twice a week going to a warm water exercise class. I’ve been successfully able to experience things that feel good but aren’t harmful to me like booze and weed are. 

My alcoholic desire to be the center of attention and run the show has been almost completely tempered in sobriety; it now only comes out for the most part in Melissa’s Kitchen at night. When I’m creating my gourmet eats I run a tight ship, and set very high standards for myself. I don’t really allow my husband to get involved and assist; I like to be in charge of what we eat. Nine times out of ten the end product is outstanding. There’s a reason why we don’t eat out that often.

Perhaps the worst alcoholic behavior I have is my indulgence of self-centered fear, worry and anxiety. In the past, I tried to medicate this anxiety with alcohol and weed. 

Trying to Pull Out of Morning Anxiety Spiral

 So the morning anxiety is back again, I’ve been dealing with it for two days now. Just when I thought I might try a slight taper down of my Gabapentin, this anxiety comes back, wrecking my Serenity. I’m digging through my toolbox of coping mechanisms to get me through this angst. Here’s what I know:

1. Journal. 2. Do CBT handouts Matt gave me. 3. Go for a morning walk (did this yesterday). 4. Limit caffeine consumption. 5. Shawn says pray. (I always hesitate to do this.)

I’m fearful that we have old, unsafe cars. I’m fearful I’m too sedentary and I’m going to die from inactivity. I’m fearful I take too much medication. I’m fearful I’m sleeping my life away. I’m frightened to go on a trip anywhere. 

As the morning progresses, these fears will have less and less of a grip on me. By lunchtime and beyond, I’ll be feeling fine. These fearful mornings really wear me out, however. I hope to journal most of this angst out before making my usual morning call to mom. She is just getting too old to deal with my anxiety venting; I have to stand on my own two feet and deal with things myself.

Fear: I’m over medicated, leading me to sleep too much, etc. Solution: Talk to Dr. Levy in two days. Fact is I’m getting about 9 hours of sleep a night, and that’s the optimum for me. 

Fear: Cars are old and unsafe. Solution: We have money for a new car. Michael says we will get one. I need to just let go and let him shepherd this purchase.

Fear: my sedentary nature is damaging me. Solution: I do get up from my chair. I walk Lily. I go on morning walks and to the pool two days a week. I’m working in the kitchen on dinner almost every night. This also includes doing dishes and cleaning up after we eat. 

Ok, so I kept my morning call to mom brief. I did not angst over my fears. She appreciated me giving her a break. I’m getting dressed soon and going on a 15 minute walk in the neighborhood. I would join my husband on his morning dog walk but he walks too fast; I’m not up to his speed yet. I like to go at my own pace. The important thing is I’m getting moving. My doctors will be pleased.

It’s been about 2 hours since I took my morning Gabapentin dose and I’m feeling relief from the morning fear. I’m beginning to focus on my strong belief that I need to embark on a diet to lose about 30 lbs. I did this once before, through calorie counting and portion control. I feel fat and I can’t stand the way my body looks. I have to be careful and not go overboard, and I think I can do this. 

So right now I’m feeling better than I did earlier. Just need to remember that the fear always passes. It’s a beautiful day to be sane and sober! Onward and upward.

Closing Out My 50s

 Well, tomorrow is my 59th birthday, making this a time of reflection on how this decade went, and taking stock of where I am now. I can say with certainty that I am in a much better place today, compared to where I was 9 years ago, in psychosis, hospitalized three times in one year, separated from my husband, just awful. I’m filled with gratitude that I am sane and sober today.

At first glance, I’d say my 50s were filled with crushing anxiety and fear. Yet that’s not completely accurate, I’ve had days where I felt confident, days where I took initiative to take on new things. I guess the decade was a mixed bag of good days and bad days, aren’t they all? 

Importantly, this was a decade of sobriety, and time spent saving and rejuvenating my marriage. Both my husband and I are sober now, me doing AA, him doing sobriety on his own. I’ve got the AA fellowship now supporting me as I navigate abstinence and med compliance. I’m on solid ground, finally, and off the merry-go-round of repeated hospitalizations. Thank God.

I guess I really don’t know where all the time has gone, years have flown by. How did I get to 59? In some ways I don’t feel old; in other ways I’m really feeling my age. Time waits for no man, so are the days of our lives. Here we are, on the cusp of 60. I guess I will call myself “seasoned.” That has a nice ring to it.

Feeling good today. Got some beautiful strip steaks for Michael to grill tomorrow night, and he got numerous pastry sweet treats from the French bakery for us to enjoy over the weekend. Happy birthday to me, and all that jazz. I’m still standing. What an accomplishment!

Writing Prompt: Seasons and Change

 Prompt: Write about the impact seasons have on our mood. What does a season’s change teach us? How do you deal with change?

Seasons and Change

I normally don’t do well with change. I think that’s the alcoholic in me, resistant to implement a change unless things get mighty painful for me. But change in life is inevitable, particularly if we look to the cycle of seasons that occur every year. We’ve got one such change happening soon, with spring segwaying into summer. These seasonal shifts can impact my bipolar mood, lifting me up in spring and bringing me down in the hot summer. 

But ever since I started my new med cocktail and entered sobriety 8 years ago, my mood has for the most part remained steady through seasonal changes. I guess this is a relief, compared to years past when I would be too depressed to leave bed, or way too elevated and running around town in a Spring manic spending spree.

The change in seasons every year teaches me that change is a part of life, something inevitable that I don’t need to fear. Not all change is bad, I actually look forward to Spring and to Fall, relishing the changes to the plants and trees, the temperature outside, and changes in the wildlife around me. Whenever I find myself dreading or resisting an inevitable change in something, I need to remind myself of the positives that often occur. 

Today I can observe the seasonal changes quietly, pensively, and with maturity that comes from slowing down and living life one day at a time. Meds definitely assist in this endeavor, something that occasionally I’ll complain about when I start comparing myself to others who have more motivation and energy than I can muster. But recently I’ve been working on pushing myself where I’m able to, and leaning into acceptance when things overwhelm me. Perhaps I can learn to love this wise, old me who has evolved into an observer instead of a careless extrovert.

I’m hoping to gain more control over my fear of change, and get more comfortable just accepting that change is a part of life. Realizing that I’m not afraid and resistant to all kinds of change (just some) is comforting and gives me encouragement to lower my defenses and embrace new things. I guess I’m a work in progress, but then again aren’t we all? Slowly but surely I’m coming along. Bringing about positive change in myself. The ultimate goal. 

Writing Prompt: Still Cravin’ After All These Years

Prompt: When you encounter cravings, what do you do? Write about things you have successfully done to combat cravings. Share your experience, strength and hope.

Still Cravin’ After All These Years

So the topic is cravings, be it cravings for alcohol, weed, or some other mood altering substance. And what we do to keep cravings at bay. Well, I initially thought that once the obsession to drink left me, it would follow that I would no longer crave the demon rum or the dangerous-for-me weed. Not the case. I may no longer be thinking about booze every waking minute, but every so often—particularly during times when my anxiety is acute—I start to crave something to numb my discomfort, something to make it go away.

I’ve been at this sobriety game for a very long time. And the thing about my cravings is they often come when I least expect them. Sometimes they can be downright sneaky. For example, my therapist caught me in one last month when I said I wanted Ativan (an addictive benzodiazepine) for my anxiety. “Wait a minute Melissa,” he said. “Didn’t you tell me you used to stockpile Ativan to trade for weed back in the day? You’re not wanting Ativan, you’re craving marijuana to numb your anxiety. Call this what it is.”

Ouch, that hurts. Still Cravin’ after all these years!

So what do I do to combat substance cravings when they crop up? Well, first of all I know that my cravings have a beginning, a middle, and fortunately a definite end. So often it’s just a case of riding the craving out, being patient as it moves through me. Now, that’s often easier said than done. But I know the longer I stay sober, the more quickly the cravings pass. 

When dealing with a craving, I find it helps to tell on myself to my husband, sponsor Shawn, or someone from the AA fellowship. Talking about what I’m feeling, and what I want to numb, with someone is really helpful for dismantling the craving. If I stay silent and in my own head, bad things can happen. Opening up about things with someone else is the definite way to go.

Often my cravings involve fantasizing about how good I’d feel if I had a drink or a hit of weed. But when was I ever able to stop at just one? Never! I need to follow that first drink through all the way to total annihilation in a black out. Then crushing depression and a hangover. That’s what became of me and will be waiting for me if I drink again. Do I want to give up this healthy, sober life for that? No! So stay away from that first drink.

As I said earlier, most cravings I get today tend to be interwoven with acute anxiety that sometimes bothers me. But I’ve had good success working with my psychiatrist who occasionally tweaks my non-addictive anti-anxiety medication, which has brought me great relief. When my anxiety is under control, I find I am very happy with my sober life. In addition to meds, I’m getting Cognitive Behavioral Therapy tools from my therapist to manage my anxiety attacks if they break through. Subsequently, cravings haven’t plagued me much as of late.

But I don’t think I’ll ever be able to get rid of cravings completely. And maybe that’s how things are meant to be. The important thing to remember is not to act on the craving, no matter how strong it is. And to lean into gratitude for all the good things a sober life brings you. Stay close to the fellowship. And never forget cravings pass!

Definitely Better

 Greetings readers, I’ve had a string of really good days, making me think maybe I’m fully adapted to the new levothyroxine dose of 112 mcg/day. I saw Dr. Levy today and he was really pleased with how I was doing. He’s keeping all my meds and dosages the same, no changes. Right now that’s fine by me.

My anxiety and bipolar are controlled. My thyroid is in good shape too. Saw Dr. Larrimer last week and he approved of my new TSH reading of 1.24. I’m to continue seeing him every three months, a change from my previous bi-annual appointments. But I’m glad we continue to monitor my thyroid closely. It’s important to stay on top of things.

My husband is back to sleeping a normal amount every night. I’m so relieved. Things were stressful for me when his insomnia flared up. I’m glad things have greatly improved. Right now he’s dealing with a springtime cold that cropped up. I’m keeping him well fed and making sure he has the necessary items to treat this cold. 

So right now things are basically good. Let’s hold on to this and make it last! 

Writing Prompt: Man of Action

 Prompt: Paint a picture in words of any real person. Do you imagine this person doing anything? Show us what they're doing, and try to use their actions to reveal something about who this person is. 

Man of Action

Someone I admire very deeply is my beloved friend and AA sponsor Shawn Redman. From the moment I first heard him speak his wisdom through a square on a Sunday night AA Zoom during the Covid epidemic, I knew he was someone I wanted to learn from, someone I wanted to emulate. 

Shawn is one of the most compassionate, self less people I know. He lives by the AA credo, be of service. He has over 50 sponsees at any one time; I’ve never heard of anyone in the program working with so many people. Shawn helps those in very tenuous situations, he doesn’t shy away from difficult scenarios involving both alcoholism and mental health challenges. 

Many of his sponsees share the same diagnosis I have: alcoholism and bipolar disorder. Shawn has been steadfastly by my side for almost 5 years as I have worked my way back to sanity and sobriety. We meet once a week at a Starbucks in German Village, sometimes to work on my steps, other times to just talk me through anxious thoughts and feelings. Often he can get me to laugh at my situation, something I definitely need to do more.

I think about how I can give back to Shawn all the positive things he has given me. I try to get him to talk to me about the things that are troubling him, providing a shoulder to lean on. He often thanks me for helping to keep him sober. I guess it works both ways, we help each other stay on the right path. 

I’m most grateful for Shawn providing the opportunity for me to connect with those in my writing group. The fellowship I have with these people has been invaluable to me. That’s what Shawn does, foster connections between people. His on-going Monday night AA Zoom is testament to that. 

Sleep Patterns

 So now I think I’ve got issues with the way I’m sleeping. I stopped taking the Simply Sleep, and what’s happening is I take my evening meds at 7:00 pm as usual. By 8:30-9:00 pm I’m falling asleep in my chair and Michael has to wake me up to get me to head upstairs. Then I sleep until roughly 5:30 am and toss and turn for a few hours before eventually getting up.

I want to stop sleeping in my chair. I want to get up later than 5:30. I’m thinking what maybe I try to do is take my evening meds at 8:00 pm? I just don’t want to be waking up so early in the morning, though maybe it’s good for me. Then there is Michael’s recently erratic and changing sleep schedule. I’m trying to adapt to that. I’m so confused. 

I guess it’s good that I am getting 8-9 hours of sleep a night. I shouldn’t be feeling tired all day; what I do feel is sedate and I’m sedentary, which concerns me to no end. My husband wants me active, I’m just crushed that he’s up moving around and doing things while I stay trapped in the recliner. I have to push and get moving; temps are rising into the 70s and it’s good walking weather.

Michael says this early to bed, early to rise sleep pattern is nothing new. I’ve had it before (I just forget). I just don’t have much of a night life, and I guess I can’t say whether this bothers me or not. I’ll be 59 soon but I feel like I’m 79. I’m over medicated I think. What’s new?

Seeing my endocrinologist Dr. Larrimer in four days, psychiatrist Dr. Levy the following week. It seems like I’m always at the doctor office. Tired of dealing with all my conditions. Working to get up the nerve to go traveling with Michael and Basset Lily. I’m absolutely terrified but I may be able to overcome the fear. Working on this in therapy.

So I guess my update is I’m confused and frustrated. Just call me Sitting Bull. Yuck. I hate this!

Therapy Writing Assignment: What Does That Mean?

 Last week we had a conversation and I said some things that merited a deeper discussion to peel back the onion layers on things. Here’s some notes I took:

1. “I appear to be medicated perfectly.” What does that mean? Well, I guess it means this 3-month hell I have gone through trying to get my thyroid med adjusted is over…maybe? My bipolar is under control. My anxiety appears to be under control. This makes me feel safe. Going off the rails doesn’t seem to be much of a possibility now. 

But do I trust that the med dosages are right? I’ve been second-guessing my psychiatrists for years, given the side effects of the meds. And even as I’m typing this, I’m thinking that my Gabapentin needs to be tweaked downward, so I’m not so sedate. I think this way, instead of feeling grateful that I don’t have crippling anxiety right now. Will I ever just be accepting of things? 

Taking all the meds I do sucks, but it’s required. It’s a delicate balance getting the cocktail right. I’ve had to be patient and I’ve put up with a lot. I guess it would be a great relief to know that all the dosages are correct. I’m thinking I need to lean hard into the adage, “Let go.” Perhaps I’ll give that a try.

2. “Not changing has led me to a point that’s intolerable.” What does that mean? I’m afraid of change, I’ve never liked it. I find comfort in repetition, traditions are sacred to me. But what I’ve found is I’m clinging to certain habits that now make me extremely uncomfortable as my doctors and therapist work to encourage me to change behavior. 

I’m referring here to all the time I spend sitting in my recliner. When I say this habit has become intolerable, I mean that it feels like an alcoholic clinging to the bottle, knowing full well she has to stop drinking. I think it’s ok spending some time seated, but there are things I could be doing around here, plus taking walks, etc. Also, I’m watching my husband be more active and I want to join him.

But I’ve taken to sitting in lieu of leaving the house; as my anxiety got worse, I just sat in the chair angsting and calling my mom to complain. I don’t want to live this way anymore. Change is necessary. I’m scared but I have to take a leap of faith. Do I have it in me to get out of my toxic comfort zone and do something that at first might feel challenging and unpleasant? Didn’t I go through this and adapt when I embraced sobriety? 

I’ve successfully changed in the past. I need to acknowledge that. 

3. “I suffer by not going to the rec center.” What does that mean?

4. Matt: Not doing the bare ass minimum and not getting the results I want. What does this mean?

Switching gears: What am I currently doing physically that makes me feel good? (Pool, walking, Lily dog walk)

What time of day appeals for physical exercise? (11:00 am on)

Upcoming opportunities for more movement/exercise: Tai Chi, tennis

Feeling Better?

 So it’s a spring Sunday morning, I must say the anxiety appears to be well controlled, which means I’ve fully adjusted to the 112 mcg. Levothyroxine for my thyroid and the Gabapentin is working. It appears I’m medicated perfectly? Is that even possible? I’m to write about this for therapist Matt. I’m still sedentary but that’s behavior so deeply ingrained that I wonder if I can completely change it. Oh well.

But despite this, I’m feeling better. I’m not afraid. I’m gonna shower today and do laundry, then make a golden beet borscht and a fancy egg salad. I guess I’m still kinda a one trick pony as far as household chores go, but my husband appears content to pick up the slack around here. 

With his new sleep schedule of getting up at dawn he’s got a lot of energy to organize and clean. Heck, this needs to be done and I appear incapable of doing it. Do I blame my meds? Or am I lazy? Matt seems to think I have the energy to do more. I will write about in my therapy assignment for this week. One thing is for sure: I’m getting uncomfortable with all this activity of my husband. It’s spurring me on to do something myself. I can’t just sit around.

For now, I’m taking things slow and steady. Make brunch. Fill pill trays. Shower. Start laundry. Tomorrow morning I do a blood draw for Dr. Larrimer, then visit with mom. Easter is in a week and the family will be gathering. 

***

So it’s Monday afternoon, I had blood draw this morning and then had extremely pleasant visit with mom. It’s 70 degrees out, nice Spring day. Making pasta primavera for dinner tonight, a very timely dish that’s always well-received. I’m feeling good, not wiggy, which is nice. I may though ask Dr. Larrimer for a further reduction in my levothyroxine depending upon my lab results. Go down to 100 mcg, back where we started three months ago. We shall see.

My husband continues to get up before dawn and has a lot more energy than me. This is not a competition though. Remember this, Melissa!

This Beat Goes On

So things are continuing with my husband up early with lots of energy and me sleeping 11 hours and feeling groggy in the morning. It’s difficult having the TV blaring news as I’m trying to wake up; hopefully this is temporary, or if it isn’t I may have to return to the bedroom to get away from it. 

I’m sensitive to news, heck, the television in general. It comes from the repeated manic psychosis I’ve experienced. Waking up in the morning and coming down to a blaring TV set is just not desirable, so someone needs to put in headphones. I’m sure a compromise can be reached.

I need to lean into acceptance that my husband and I are on very different sleep schedules right now, and we have different energy levels. I know that will cause problems if we try to do something like travel, go on a vacation (something he wants to spontaneously do). I’m not responding when he mentions going on a trip, or something like moving out of Ohio. I just don’t feel up to that. 

I worry that he might start pressing me to do something. He envisions packing up the dog in a rental SUV and driving out West with no reservations or itinerary planned. I refuse to do that, and I’m just hoping he’s going through some kind of temporary run away fantasy. Exposure to stressful financial TV news can make you want to run, so I think I just ride things out and stay quiet.

***

Ok, it’s later in the early afternoon, I’m back from my water exercise class, which was wonderful! I got some needed movement and socialized with friends. I feel really good, not like yesterday where I felt wiggy. I managed to go to Target on the way home and pick up some new bathmats and a dish drying rack. I’m glad I got some errands done. 

Michael went skating, I hope he burned off some energy and frustration. I know he must be tired because he didn’t get as much sleep last night. Right now I’ve got the house to myself and it’s peaceful and quiet, just as I like it. We are having leftovers tonight so I don’t have to cook. Hooray! I’m also going to ask for dinner out on Thursday. There’s Blue Jackets hockey on TV tonight to watch. So I’m occupied.

So in sum, today is better than yesterday. Hopefully we can build on this. Easy does it. That’s my mantra of the moment. Adios for now.

Morning Gripes

 So my husband is up early and active, whereas I come downstairs and spend hours in my recliner drinking coffee and waking up. I like it peaceful and quiet in the morning but lately it hasn’t been that way. Subsequently I’m feeling nervous about Michael’s running around, when I honestly should just let him go. I am relieved he is back to sleeping normally again.

 I’m really getting resentful of this med hangover I feel in the morning. But I’m making it worse by adding some OTC sleeping med to my evening pill dose; that makes you feel drowsy the next day. I tried last night not having the Simply Sleep but I tossed and turned in bed. I finally gave up and came downstairs and took 1/2 pill of the sleeping med. I fell asleep about 45 minutes later.

This is getting really tedious and boring complaining about my meds, side effects, anxiety, just all of it. I’ve got to smash through this situation and start living life. I’m glad I’m writing things out before calling mom and dumping all my complaints on her. 

It’s Monday morning, I could be going to the gym but I’m holding off. I need to think of some tasks I can do today. The bathroom needs to be cleaned, there are some kitchen drawers that need to be organized. I have to shower. Remember set expectations low and work within a certain time frame.

Ok, a few hours have passed and I’m feeling much better. I’m tempted to write Dr. Levy a long note, outlining all my complaints with my meds. Basically, I want more energy and motivation; isn’t this why I went through the hell with the levothyroxine tweaks? Well, it didn’t work, at least I don’t think so. 

Michael is pushing me to go on a spontaneous vacation but no, there’s no way in hell I’ve got the stamina for that!

***

Showered, went for a walk. I felt wiggy walking and I think the new problem is I’m getting my Gabapentin now from a new pharmacy and they use a different manufacturer? Thought I had everything finally straightened out, then I started new Gabapentin supply yesterday and today I feel wiggy. Damn it.

I’m back to my chair, will I ever be free? Trying to explain to Michael that I feel like shit but I don’t think he gets it. I think I should call the pharmacy to get clarification if this new Gabapentin could be making me feel unwell. I guess I just want to know when I’m going to be feeling better again. Tired of this hell!

Reckoning

 Slept 12 hours last night, takes me three hours in morning sitting in recliner, drinking coffee, to wake up. Then I’ll be mostly sedentary all day. Rinse, repeat. Is this any way to go through life? Just had session with Levy, there’s not much he’s gonna do to change things. Michael is starting to comment that the Gabapentin needs to be tweaked. But every time I try to lower it the anxiety comes roaring back.

I’m watching my husband run around with all this energy. I cannot even begin to match him. I asked him if he still loves me, and he said yes, unconditionally. I’m realizing that I need to stop comparing myself to Michael, he’s not on these meds, it’s pointless and unproductive to expect myself to be running around like he is. But I can do little things to get out of this chair! 

I need to set small goals, setting expectations low, and then work to achieve them. I think I’m going to start organizing my closet area today. It’s a mess. Michael has given me some shopping tasks to do, buy a dish drying rack and get bathmats. Funny, I don’t want to do any shopping, I don’t want to spend money. Perhaps I will become interested at a later date? 

I’m worried I’m becoming further isolated at home. But I’m going to the pool twice a week for exercise class and that’s great. Am I depressed? I don’t think I am. I’m not contending with suicidal ideation or anything like that. Hey, how relieved am I that I’ve finally adjusted to my thyroid med change and I’ve got no morning anxiety right now? It’s a friggin relief!

Just need to stay calm, cool and collected. Right now I feel like I have a good grip, just want to be moving more. Also notice I do not talk very much; I have mentioned this to Levy numerous times but it doesn’t change anything. Yet if my biggest issues are moving and talking I think I can definitely improve things with more effort on my part.

My reckoning is I have impediments but I may be able to overcome them somewhat. I’m committed to improving my situation. I want to end on a positive note here. Let’s be grateful I’m med compliant, out of the hospital, completely sober with an intact marriage. I’m stable and sane. That’s of upmost importance. One day at a time, Melissa. You got this. Take a deep breath and get on with your day!

Anxiety Update, Sobering Talks With Support People

Ok so I’ve fully adjusted to the new thyroid med dose of 112 mcg. The anxiety in the morning and throughout the day I was experiencing has dissipated. What I’m left with though is two things: 1.) I feel over medicated from the 4,800 mg of Gabapentin I’m now taking to manage my anxiety and 2.) Michael and mom are completely at their limit with dealing with my anxiety angst and self-centeredness. 

I had a completely sobering conversation with my husband this morning first thing where he told me to stop texting him all the time; he said I need to start focusing on other people and their needs; he told me to sort through my angst with the coping skills I get from therapy (journal, exercise, deep breathing, meditation, etc). He wants me to be the pilot of my airplane, facing fear head on. 

I’m afraid.

Next I talked to mom and she echoed everything Michael said. She emphasized she wants me thinking of others more, not being so self-focused. I tried to explain that this past three months of tinkering with my levothyroxine dose has been brutal on me, it set my anxiety off badly, but now it appears to be finally resolved at 112 mcg. But she just wants a break from my angsting in general.

I feel alone.

I will try and do what my support people want, be the captain of my ship, stand on my own two feet. But it’s so challenging when you take the arsenal of meds I do, when you have these diagnoses, oh just forget it, I cannot play the victim card! I just need to push harder to do things, find energy some place, some where. 

Damnit I’m stuck, trapped in this recliner. I wonder if there are others like me, no energy, angsting, overweight, post menopausal, basically afraid? I’m sure there are. I need something to occupy me besides my self-centered thoughts. I should do this week’s writing prompt but I’m too scatterbrained. When will I be feeling stronger? Will I ever get energy again? Feeling kinda discouraged. 

Never give up!

Update: Adjusting to Levothyroxine, Anxiety Med Thoughts

 Miscellaneous: (Last week)

Still struggling with the levo, feel wiggy about 4 hours after I take pill in morning. Trying to hang in there, it takes 1-2 weeks to adjust to change in dosage. I’m on day 6. See Matt in 30 minutes, not in mood to be lectured about going to the gym, I’m barely hanging on here! Took my Gabapentin 30 minutes ago, not sure if that moves the needle on feeling better? Had hoped taking all the morning meds at once would help me feel better, but not noticing a change. Upset that I’ve been dealing with this for almost 3 months.

Michael is assisting as best he can. He helped me make the pharmacy transition so I could get my new Gabapentin script. He’s pretty much doing all the housework, save a few chores. I do the cooking and kitchen cleanup up. I feel guilty I don’t do more.

Feel like I’m basically slogging through life, burdened by the bipolar, anxiety disorder, and thyroid disease. I’m exhausted and sick of feeling like shit. I clearly see why some just stop taking all the medication, or resort to booze or weed to feel better. I’m in recovery, can’t reach for the substances or else I might end up hospitalized or worse. Matt tells me to write about what is going to make me happy today but it’s damn near impossible to do that.

***

(Day 10 of 112 mcg levo dose)

Feeling much better this morning! No nervousness or anxiety, don’t feel wiggy. Continue to take levo with my other morning meds. I’m anchored by the 4,800 mg/day Gabapentin for anxiety BUT I’m feeling very uncomfortable about taking such a high dose and I want to taper down on it. This is what trips me up, I get to a place where my anxiety is handled and I then want to tinker with the Gabapentin dosage. It never works well for me when I do, I get hit with crippling anxiety and have to stop taper.

I’m really tempted to call Levy to discuss the Gabapentin but he will charge a lot of money for the extra session. Oh, how I wish I could be free of all these meds but no, they keep me sane. Maybe I just lean into the fact that this morning I am feeling calm and anxiety free. My husband has insomnia and that’s affecting me but we are muddling our way through.

So the upshot is I’m feeling better on this levo and my anxiety appears to be handled. Issues to tackle include my diet/weight and getting more exercise. My husband has a lot of energy I can’t match. But I’m keeping up with my cooking duties, so there’s that. I feel guilty I can’t do all the chores my husband does. But he says he doesn’t mind cleaning. 

***

Ok so it’s after brunch, I’ve eaten and had my noontime gabapentin dose. I’m trying to do some laundry and I started feeling wiggy going up and down the stairs. Right now I’m in my recliner and drinking water, waiting to feel better. I’m still in that 2 week window for adjusting to the change in the levo dose. I’m absolutely sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. Not sure who to call. Levy? Larrimer? No one? This is so frustrating. I can’t stay in this chair forever! 

Michael says to have some fortitude; maybe I just need to grin and bear it until my appointment with my endocrinologist on April 22. I’m not good with physical discomfort. I guess I need a backbone.

Enough Is Enough

 Had yet another bad morning, waking up at 5:00 am, fretting over whether to continue to try and suffer through taking the thyroid med the new way and having anxiety and nervousness; or just to go back to my old way of taking all my morning meds together. Finally said enough is enough, got out of bed and came downstairs and swallowed my morning meds all at once. It’s how my mom takes her levo, it’s how my friend Katie’s mom takes her levo (after going through the same hell I have been!).

It really ties me up in knots to not be following Dr. Larrimer’s instructions to take the levo alone, wait 30 minutes, then take the rest of my morning meds. But I’ve been trying to do this new way and I’m a mess. Mom and Michael have cut me off from discussing my angst. I cannot be out here on my own without family support! 

***

Sent messages to Dr. Levy and Dr. Schumacher looking for green light to bundle my meds together and they said AOK! So now it’s Day 2 of swallowing all my meds together and so far I’m feeling good. I’m a little bit uncomfortable but I’m waiting for morning gabapentin to kick in. I’ll never get rid of all anxiety, gotta accept some.

Going to go to my exercise class at the pool this morning, that always feels good. Have a busy week with family gathering, lunch date, and hockey game. Sun is out but it’s still cool, it’s March in Ohio. Morning phone calls with mom are changing; she doesn’t want to discuss anxiety anymore. So I have to adapt, it’s hard but I don’t want to be a burden.

I’ll keep plugging along, I always do. Good day to be sane and sober. I’ll take that!

Thyroid Medication Challenges

So I’ve been instructed to take my thyroid med levothyroxine first thing in the morning on an empty stomach. Then 30 minutes later I’m to take the rest of my morning meds, which includes the Gabapentin for anxiety, and meloxicam for arthritis. The reason you do this is the levo doesn’t absorb very well, so you want to take it alone. I didn’t realize this, apparently forgot my original dosing instruction two decades ago. I was taking all my morning meds at once. That was not correct.

 I’ve been following this new dosing schedule for 2 1/2 months, as we’ve adjusted my levo from a high of 137 mcg/day to where I am now, 112 mcg. We’ve had to keep lowering the dosage because of breakthrough anxiety I’ve been experiencing, which has been crippling. I looked it up and if you are taking too much levothyroxine you can have anxiety and nervousness.

I’m trying to remember correctly, but I don’t think my anxiety was as bad when I was taking my levothyroxine with the rest of my morning meds, all at once, not separating it out. So now I’m at a crossroads, wondering if I should go against my new dosing instruction and go back to taking all my morning meds at once, to get some relief from anxiety. I don’t think I’m going to go against doctors instructions, but dammit, I’m sick of the anxiety!

Mom and Michael are cutting discussion about my anxiety off, they’ve had enough of my fretting and worrying and fear. Therapist Matt is suggesting I call the 988 Lifeline Ohio number for support…what the hell? I’m not going to do that. He also suggested journaling when I’m having bad anxiety, and I’ve been doing that. It’s been helpful. 

Today is my third day at the lower 112 mcg levo dose and I’m not feeling particularly anxious. I’m not feeling particularly joyful either, which is concerning to me. Maybe I will end up back where we started, at the 100 mcg levo dose. That was where I was before Dr. Levy did the blood draw in December and got a 3.4 TSH result. 

Oh who knows, I will just keep trudging along, probably dealing with the anxiety myself. I know myself, I’m committed to being compliant with doctors orders, and will probably follow the new dosing schedule for another week before contacting my endocrinologist for relief. 

***

Ok so I started feeling jittery and nervous after brunch, despite taking my noon dose of Gabapentin, and I said to myself to hell with this, I’m just going to take a walk. I felt better afterwards, so maybe what I need to do is get moving when the anxiety starts to grip me. 

I think it’s up to me to use tools in addition to the Gabapentin and levo reductions to manage my anxiety. Walking, deep breathing, journaling comes to mind. Water exercise, etcetera. I’m doing my best to follow these avenues, and seeing some benefit. I also like talking to mom about my anxiety but she can no longer handle it. I’m sad about that but I’ll try and move forward.

That’s it for now. I’ll check back in with updates. Graves disease I wish I didn’t have you. 

Writing Prompt: The High Dive

 Prompt: Write about a favorite memory.

The High Dive

I wanted to write about a cool experience in my life, one that didn’t involve weed or alcohol. So to find something, I had to reach into my memory bank, going back to childhood, or in this case my early teenage years, when I sported braces and the occasional zit. It was a time when I felt fearless, invincible, and I was open to dares and challenges. 

At age 13 in the summer, you could inevitably find me at the community pool in Bexley. It was a large outdoor pool with lap lanes, and there was a roped off deep water section with a low diving board and a high diving board. I love swimming and diving, always have, and I loved those summers spending hours in the pool. 

So when I was 13 I was a tomboy, and I loved hanging with a group of boys that hung out around the diving boards at the Bexley pool. This one guy, Wade, was a particularly good friend, and he was a very good diver. Wade preferred the high dive to the lower diving board, and had no problem doing back flips off of the high dive and neatly entering the water below.

Now, I had mastered the low diving board, doing pike dives and back flips with ease. But I was itching to do what Wade and some other boys were doing: the back flips off of the high dive. I spent a lot of time watching Wade and how he did his flips. He made it look effortless and I grew determined to do it.

Eventually the day would come when I knew it was time for me to do the back flip. I can’t remember if Wade coached me on it or not, if he was there observing me. Probably he was, and there very well could have been other friends of mine gathered to watch too. 

Whatever the case, I do remember quite clearly climbing up the high diving board, walking down it to the end, and turning around. My toes held me in place as I quickly surveyed the area around me. And then I just closed my eyes, arched backwards and fell back, seeming to hang there in the air for a long time until remembering to flip my legs over me so I entered the water feet first. And viola! I did it on the first try, my very own high dive back flip. I couldn’t wait to do it again.

This is definitely a favorite memory of mine, the free fall of a slow back flip off of an outside high diving board in the summertime. Having absolutely no fear of screwing up the dive and doing a belly flop. And upon completing the back flip, I felt part of a small club of people undaunted by the high diving board. 

Therapy Assignment: Feeling Too Much vs. Feeling Too Little

 Write about feeling too much vs. feeling too little. Is there a healthy balance? Is feeling tense normal and ok? How do I feel comfortable with some normal anxiety?

Getting Comfortable With Feeling

I got an assignment from my therapist this week to write about feeling too much vs. feeling too little. Can I find a healthy balance? I admitted to him that sometimes I want to be medicated to such an extent that I don’t feel any anxiety at all; I’ve been known to beg my psychiatrist for a benzo script from time to time, which he always refuses (and thank God for that).

 Subsequently I’m trying to tease out how I can find comfort feeling some normal anxiety, accepting that sometimes feeling tense is normal and ok. My psychiatrist has told me he’s not going to knock out all my anxiety with too much medicine, so I’ve got to learn how to live with some tension. So I’m trying to do things like turning to exercise to manage my anxiety breakthroughs. I’m having some success with that. I’m also using the meditation app Insight Timer, which has proven to help.

I know I don’t want to be a zombie, I want to be feeling something. Just not feeling too much, and by that I mean not going down the rabbit hole of obsessive anxious rumination over catastrophic future scenarios. I think the anxiety medication I take now is effectively controlling my obsessive thoughts. So now I’m left with some tension which I’m beginning to realize is not a bad thing.

I think what I need to do is plan more activities into my days. That way when I’m feeling some tension I have something to distract me, or rather keep me occupied. Or maybe there’s some way I can take the tension and turn it into something positive, like a creative project of some kind. In other words, can I work with the tension, the feelings, in such a way that I get a benefit?

One thing I know is that I am an addict that likes to numb all tension and turn it into something pleasurable. So maybe I need to look at this in another way, just sitting with feelings, whether comfortable or not. Not trying to do anything to change them, rather just existing with them. Maybe that’s where some balance can be found? 

Morning Fear, Again

 Ever since waking up I’ve been contending with horrible fear about being alone and unable to cope. I feel helpless, with no one to call on. I’m trying to remember Sponsor Shawn’s lesson of write the facts underneath the fear. So here goes:

Fear: In the future, I am alone and unable to manage.

Facts: TODAY I am NOT alone. I have my husband and mother, brother and sister, nieces and nephews, friends both in and out of AA. Dr. Levy, therapist Matt, Dr. Larrimer. There are others I can call on. I can manage! I am intelligent. I am resourceful. I know how to research, I know how to communicate. I am not helpless. I am a survivor.

If I get back to the present moment, back to today, I can get a toehold and feel stronger and more capable and resilient. I must remember in the early morning my cortisol levels are high and the anxiety is spiked. I just took my morning Gabapentin and that will kick in and then I will really feel relief. I don’t like it that I’m reliant on so much medication but I’m not going to fret about that right now. 

I think a key for me is to become more self-sufficient. I’m extremely dependent on my husband and my mother. But mom is already starting to push me out on my own; she’s starting to ghost my texts, and is showing less and less compassion when I come to her with fears. Maybe she’s sick of me, or I’ve just worn her out. Anxiety is exhausting. She is putting up boundaries. I must respect them.

Ok, postscript, I just had an hour long conversation with mom and now I’m feeling so much better. Yup, I’m dependent on mom, need to do something about that. Oh well, something to tackle tomorrow.