Do As I Say, Not As I Do

NO tinkering!

So I go off on this lecture in a prior post that we must take our medicine cocktail as prescribed, not tinkering with dosages or stop taking our medication completely. And what do I do after penning this post? Why I start tinkering around the edges, cutting my Haldol (anti-psychotic) dose in half. I don't want to feel groggy anymore. I'm tired of feeling like I am in quicksand. My husband is pressuring me to return to an office with people that manipulate me.

Well, the tinkering proved to be a disaster. In due course I descended into a burst of tears and suicidal thoughts came into my head. I asked my husband to hospitalize me so I could just shut the world off and be in isolation. I have taken three steps back in my progress. And that upsets me.

I'm back on my prescribed regimen and feeling better today. I guess I must be patient and continue to just go day to day and wait for this mania to fizzle out. As for work and my husband, he backed off on setting some deadline for me to go back. Heck, I don't know if I want to go back to my office. It changes day by day. Do they even want me back? Who knows.

I am really starting to detest my brain illness. Starting to descend into self pity and "why me" and all that crap. Tired of saying, "I'm a trooper and I can overcome this!" Tired of putting up a strong front, tired of laughing when I want to cry. I really, really want to be positive here but I just can't be right now.

I have no idea what's in store for me in the coming months and that upsets me to no end. I don't do well with uncertainty or big "surprises" or big shifts in situations. And this is exactly where I am right now, what I am facing. I am going to try not to cry today. The sun is out and the temperature is pleasant. The kitchen is a disaster and I am going to try and clean it up. That should make me feel a little bit better.

I'm definitely down but not out (yet). And I'm grateful for that. Onward.